“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

Opt-in to the Shannon Colleary Communiqué to have both the Funny & the Wise delivered to your inbox weekly!

10 Apocalyptic Signs a Peri-Menopausal Woman Needs her Meds

ALERT! ALERT! ALL PERI-MENOPAUSAL WOMEN BEWARE:

In case you were thinking of accidentally forgetting to renew your antidepressants and weren’t concerned about missing a few days, think again! 

10 signs you need your meds to keep peri-menopausal madness at bay.

1. You go out to sushi with a large group of extended family members.

Everyone else is done eating and your order still hasn’t arrived.

You go into hunger-related psychosis and, like the whipped-up Calvary coming round the bend at the Battle of Gettysburg, you unearth your waitress in a bus station and demand to have your goddamned, fucking halibut sashimi.

She makes the mistake of arguing with you, a ravenous, peri-menopausal woman off her meds, saying it’s not her fault because the sushi bar is backed up. Which incites you to yell, “I was a waitress for ten years and you’re a terrible waitress and you better not add a gratuity because we’re a large party and where is your freaking manager so I can get you fired?”

After which you rail at the pretty, petite, Japanese manager who smiles the entire time you’re yelling because she doesn’t understand English and thinks you ordered a “tuna roll” when you said “heads should roll.”

And then there’s a moment where you sort of step out of your body and look down at yourself yelling and you kind of casually think, “Wow. That bitch is crazy.”

Then you return to your body and the table whereupon your siblings, nieces and nephews treat you like you’re strapped to a self-detonating bomb.

Quickly your mood swings in the opposite direction. You’re overtaken by remorse and leave the waitress a 25% tip, even though the kitchen ran out of your goddamned fucking halibut sashimi and you had to eat your sister’s soggy seaweed salad.

2. You’re offended, the next morning, when your husband and daughters tiptoe around you as if you were a vat of nitroglycerin.

3. You’re picking up a latte at your favorite internet cafe when suddenly your entire body is awash in a hot tsunami.

It starts behind your knees, sweeps mercilessly up to your groin, floods your armpits, and rolls in to shore at your hair follicles.

You ask the manager if you can, just briefly, step into her freezer locker and she lets you, probably because she heard about you from the manager at the sushi restaurant and thinks you might be unhinged.

While you’re in the freezer locker you eat a wheel of gruyere.

4. Sitting down makes you hungry. Standing up makes you hungry. Looking out the window makes you hungry. Sleeping makes you hungry. Breathing makes you hungry.

Your mail carrier thinks you’re pregnant, which both both flatters (because she thinks you’re young enough to get knocked up) and appalls (for obvious reasons).

5. After everyone’s in bed you watch the Friends episode where Phoebe Buffay thinks a stray cat is the reincarnation of her dead mother.

Which makes you think about what would happen if you died and your children looked for your reincarnated soul in stray cats or feral possums and how that would ruin their lives and they’d end up living in the gutter with grocery carts full of stolen cat food, which makes you cry ceaselessly, but you can’t help thinking, as you’re crying, that this loss of fluids might waylay more hot flashes?

6. The following morning you see local billboards for the horror film The Strain, where a worm is coming out of a woman’s eyeball, which makes you feel that, as a society, we’re basically doomed if this is the kind of horse shit we call entertainment.

7. That afternoon, while cleaning the house, you feel like your body is full of electric shocks and you’re the kite Benjamin Franklin used to discover electricity.

You think you could plug the vacuum cleaner into your mouth and vacuum the whole house.

You don’t want Henry to touch you in case your electric shocks collide with your watery hot flashes and you inadvertently electrocute him.

And he already doesn’t have a lot of hair.

And isn’t yet in need of an implanted defibrillator for his estrogen-weakened heart.

8. You decide to make a video about menopausal women emasculating unsuspecting men instead of dinner. It’s seems to be your calling. God told you to do it.

My vagina. Beautiful, but icy.

My vagina. Beautiful, but icy.

9. That night your vagina becomes passive-aggressive. One minute she’s hot and bothered, the next she’s as frigid as Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface.

10. Once Henry’s asleep and you have insomnia, you’re overtaken by a stingingly desperate love for your husband.

Because at 53 he’s already beginning to die more quickly than you. You can’t stop hugging and kissing him. You can’t help smothering his feet with your feet.

Then, just as quickly, his irregular sleep breathing pattern pisses you off and you ask him to roll over.

That does it! Henry cries. You’re unbearable.

He pelts out of bed and dashes out (as quickly as a dying old man can) to get an emergency supply of your meds from the 24-hour pharmacy.

Ladies, what are your early menopause symptoms and how do you combat them? Gentlemen, what are your woman’s early menopause symptoms and are you in love with a hooker name Clarisse?

Don’t forget to Follow me on Facebook and sign up for my Newsletter so I can illuminate your life with fabulousness.



22 comments

Write a comment
  1. Rosie Carrillo
    Rosie Carrillo 30 June, 2014, 10:55

    Love it! LMAO, ( I wish it literally worked that way!) My husband is losing weight by breathing, these days.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 30 June, 2014, 14:58

      What, really Rosie? I want to lose weight breathing! Of course I’m breathing in chocolate.

      Reply this comment
  2. wendy
    wendy 30 June, 2014, 12:31

    Lol, I’d like to add #11: Calmly making a plan to kill your husband with your dinner fork, all because he put too much butter on his dinner roll and the only solution is to vigorously stab him with a kitchen utensil.
    Not that I would ever own up to this – I’m just suggesting 🙂

    Reply this comment
  3. Lori Lavender Luz
    Lori Lavender Luz 30 June, 2014, 15:15

    I literally laughed out loud at the wheel of gruyere.

    And now have a craving. Thank you so much.

    Reply this comment
  4. Haralee
    Haralee 30 June, 2014, 15:17

    You made me laugh, thanks. So now you understand when some women, even the nicest and kindest women you know, say “I just breezed through menopause” you want to kill them!

    Reply this comment
  5. Serena Belva
    Serena Belva 1 July, 2014, 08:38

    I can’t relate to the peri-menopause yet but I can relate to being “hangry”. I’ve on occasion had the out-of-body experience and thought I was being a huge bitch. I always succumb to the hanger.

    Reply this comment
  6. Melissa Senecal
    Melissa Senecal 5 July, 2014, 18:07

    My poor hubby not only has to put up with me and my peri-menopause, but we have a pre-teen hormonal son!! Two sets of raging hormones is more than 1 household can stand!!

    Reply this comment
  7. loreen
    loreen 11 July, 2014, 05:48

    Seriously don’t mess with a menapausal women I found myself driving my car as if I was on a go cart track weeeheee ! Don’t worry I’m on HRT now and let those soccer moms in mini vans do crazy.

    Reply this comment
  8. KymberlyFunFit
    KymberlyFunFit 15 July, 2014, 19:57

    WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS???!!!! Oh, sorry that was my mid-menopause speaking. Or yelling. I’m sorry. NO I’M NOT!! Bwah haha aha Bring on the icy hot!

    Reply this comment
  9. Jennifer
    Jennifer 15 July, 2014, 23:34

    So, it’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep. Hubs is snoring and I’ve had to go back to ambien for a short time until I work up the courage to discuss the sitch with him. Nicest man ever, btw. Some of what you say about Henry reminds me of him. I’ve been off and on various meds as long as I can remember, and I have no clue where I fall on the menopausal Richter scale because I had a partial hysterectomy about 13 years ago and a bilateral mastectomy almost four years ago. But, dammit, I still claim one functioning ovary… I’ve been using the hormone patch for about a year and a half, or is it two and a half?? Anywhoooo…I decided a few months in that I didn’t need those silly patches and abruptly stopped for a couple of weeks. Worst time ever….my husband came up behind me as I exited the shower and I don’t think he’s recovered yet from my screams and subsequent sobbing. So, I feel your pain. I am empathetic and at the same time can’t stop laughing. Especially the part where you feel all that love in the middle of the night, but then want him to turn over. I really thought it was just me doing that! I feel slightly less crazy than I did a few minutes ago. Seriously, if I could only read one blog, it would be yours, hands down. Thank you SO MUCH!!! I have directed my female friends and relatives to read everything you write. So, keep it coming! Your words are a balm to my stressed, headachy, hormonally-challenged, insomniac soul.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 16 July, 2014, 00:05

      Jennifer — I love you!! I am also an insomniac. And even though I should probably be wanting you to get some g-d sleep, it makes me feel comforted to know that when I’m awake at 1 a.m. you might be too! And I think your one functioning ovary is badass. xo S

      Reply this comment
  10. xoj9
    xoj9 8 September, 2014, 17:27

    My husband could so relate to this right now! I just did a whole post inspired by my moody blues…http://bit.ly/1Bo9iHM – he doesn’t understand what has come over me lately!

    Reply this comment
  11. gary
    gary 8 September, 2014, 18:44

    Being the youngest and only male of 5, and the father of a 29 year old girl/woman,I have been marinating in female hormones since I first came out of a vagina, never to stray too far away. My advice to my fellow knuckle draggers is; “Don’t fight it! Understand it! This is why you love women. It’s their magic and their curse. If you have enough self-awareness to know it’s not about you (to my narcissistic brethern, it’s not ALWAYS about you!) you will be fine. Remember, when the wave is crashing down on you, you can either duck and get pounded into the sand, or you can learn how to surf. Men…surfs up!”.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 9 September, 2014, 09:57

      Dr. Gary — I think all of the women on this site just swooned. Such a lovely attitude. No wonder your wife has a secret, satisfied smile when you come up in conversation!!

      Reply this comment
  12. Catherine D
    Catherine D 20 September, 2014, 19:09

    lol “It gets better.”

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 21 September, 2014, 16:46

      Catherine, have you started eating hallucinogenics? BEcause that’s my next step.

      Reply this comment
  13. Alexandra90210
    Alexandra90210 23 September, 2015, 20:16

    I just happened upon this gem. The sushi restaurant! HA HA HA HA! I love you!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 24 September, 2015, 13:35

      Oh my Gosh, I hadn’t read it in a long time. I actually cracked myself up. Typical.

      Reply this comment

Write a Comment

Your e-mail address will not be published.
Required fields are marked*