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Daughters are from Venus, Daddies are from Mars aka The Father Daughter Relationship

Daddies value quiet, calm, cool-headedness, solutions to problems and a frothy lager.

Pubescent Daughters value love, acceptance, patience and a safe place to dump their volcanic, spuming, flesh-incinerating emotions.

If an unsuspecting Daddy doesn’t understand how a marauding daughter is different than him, he can make things cataclysmically worse when he tries to help.

For example:

Daughter says: “I hate playing soccer because I always play goalie and it’s always my fault when we lose.”

Daddy says: “It’s not just your fault. That ball has to get past the defense to get into the goal. It’s the defense’s fault if that ball gets to you.”

Daughter: “How can you say that about Paloma?? She’s doing the best she can!”

Daddy: “Who’s Paloma?”

Daughter: “She’s my fullback. Oh my God, Daddy, don’t you know anything?

Daddy says, “Let’s stay on topic.”

Daughter: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Daddy: “If you hate playing goalie, why don’t you ask your coach to switch you?”

Daughter: “Then all the other girls will hate me because no one wants to play goalie!”

Daddy: “Then why don’t you just quit!!! Just fucking quit!!  Ahhhh! (screaming noise into a pillow.)”

A beat.

Daughter: “I’m telling Mommy you said Fuck.”

Or this example:

Daughter: “I’m sick of school, I’m sick of my friends and I’m sick of our family!”

Daddy: “How can you say that when all of your teachers, friends and family love you so much?”

Daughter: “Okay, I’m mean. I get it! Why do you even let me live in this house?”

Daddy: “I think you’re over-reacting. It’s probably because you’ll be getting your first period soon.”

Daughter: “Oh my God, Daddy! How could you say that? You just permanently traumatized me!”

Daddy: “You always feel traumatized when you’re hungry. Why don’t you eat something?”

Daughter: “You don’t understand anything! Ahhhh! (screaming noise, and not even into a pillow.)”

father daughter relationships

Or:

Daddy: “Honey, you’ve got to get up, you’ll be late for school.”

Daughter: “Mffflllfflll.”

Daddy: “Come on, kid. I’m serious. You can’t just lie there like a gut-shot soldier.”

Daughter: “Mflllfleave mflflme alone.”

Daddy: “If you don’t get up this instant I’m taking away your iphone!”

Daughter: (sudden and dramatic explosion of tears) “Fine! See if I care. Now that Sam Woolf was kicked off American Idol, nothing matters anymore.”

Mommy walks in.

Mommy: “What’s going on in here?”

Daughter: “Sam Woolf was raised by his grandparents because his parents got divorced and went crazy!”

Mommy: “Oh, sweetheart. I’m sorry he got kicked off Idol last night.”

Mommy takes Daughter into her arms and holds her.

Daughter: “Thanks Mommy, I love you so much!”

Mommy: “I love you too, sweetheart.”

Daddy: “What the fuck just happened here?”

Daughter: (to mother) “Daddy keeps saying fuck. You never do that.”

Mommy: “I know.”

Daughter: “I guess I should get ready for school. I don’t want to be late.”

Mommy: “Just let me hug you a little longer.”

Daughter: “Okay.”

Mommy gazes over the top of Daughter’s head at Daddy who lays like a gut-shot soldier across Daughter’s bedroom floor.

Their eyes meet. Mommy makes the letter “L” out of her index finger and thumb and places it against her forehead. Daddy flips her the bird.

Daughter: “Oh my God, Daddy! What is wrong with you??”

(The Daughter mentioned in this piece is an amalgams of several pubescent daughters known throughout the land and certainly isn’t one of my own pubescent daughters, who are nothing but Heaven and Light!)

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10 comments

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  1. Henry
    Henry 15 May, 2014, 11:45

    FOR THE RECORD: There are two universal truths that all men know and abide: Never buy a woman a pair of jeans, and never, ever, never suggest that ANYTHING a woman says/does might be related to any kind of cycle, whether menstrual or lunar or both.

    Reply this comment
  2. Kevin
    Kevin 15 May, 2014, 13:32

    On the drive to school with 13-yo daughter.

    S: I keep getting notices that I can upgrade to an iPhone 5.

    K:By which you mean, I keep getting notices.

    S: Well, technically yes, but it’s free.

    K: Your mother still still has a 4 too you know, I should use the upgrade for her.

    S: That would be terrible. I need one, look at this. (Showing me the cracked screen on her phone).

    K: Showing me that you’ve broken your phone (again) doesn’t make me want to get you another more expensive one.

    S: But it wasn’t my fault! McKenna threw it across the floor in gym class.

    K: Wait, I thought you were friends. Why did she break your phone?

    S: No, she had to Daddy!

    K: Again please?

    S: We were using my iphone to play music over the speakers in gym class for the dance unit. It was so much fun.

    K: And?

    S: One of my songs came on that has some inappropriate words. Okay a lot of inappropriate words. They use the f-word a lot. The gym teacher was stunned and McKenna saved me by ripping my phone from the jack and throwing it to me across the gym, only I missed and dropped it. So you see I need an iPhone 5.

    K: S, I think both models will work equally well locked in my desk.

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  3. Doug Smith
    Doug Smith 23 May, 2014, 16:36

    Terribly entertaining. I think I am glad I never had any girls (or boys for that matter). I like living vicariously through people like you.

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  4. backwardparentingbybrita
    backwardparentingbybrita 27 May, 2014, 10:47

    When my step daughter (whom lives with us full time) began puberty, I thought she had a very real mental disorder that was undiagnosed (probably inherited from her mom’s side). After all, I had absolutely no recollection of ever (I mean ever) acting in such a crazed way when I was a teen. After one too many fall outs with said step daughter, I did what all rational mothers do from time to time. I drove straight to my own mom’s house, crying all the way, bursting in the door exclaiming, “I can’t take it anymore, she’s crazy!” After only about 2.3 seconds of further explanation, my mom interrupted and started sharing experiences of her own. Which involved me. And my two sisters. And now, my step daughter is 16, I am almost daily reminded of my mother’s words, and I know it’s normal (as normal as irrational can be), and I grin, and secretly thank God he gave me a son. Visit me at http://www.backwardparentingbybrita.com as I share my experiences as a mother of teens!

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  5. Susan Bonifant
    Susan Bonifant 31 May, 2014, 05:39

    That’s it. I am now a regular reader/follower of this blog. You are some funny.

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