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My Prom Don’t-Kiss-and-Tell aka Why Didn’t you Want to Kiss me?

prom dress

My very first Prom Date. I thought he liked me, even though I could beat him in an arm wrestle.

Here I am with my first prom date. It turns out I was the only girl he DIDN’T kiss. Maybe if I had the right prom dress? (let me set the scene.)

Here we are (to the left) in a tight clinch at prom circa 198-you don’t-need-to-know-the-rest.

I’d had a crush on him from afar. He was one of my closest high school girlfriend’s older brother.

Let’s call him. Mike. Because that was his name.

Mike’s hair feathered perfectly. Even wearing his braces I wanted to kiss him.

He was my favorite boy to try to drown in my girlfriend’s swimming pool.

He called me by the sexiest, most provocative, most desirable nickname.

Bradley.

Which was my last name. But when he said it, as in, “Bradley! Why don’t you stop your yammering?!”, my heart beat out of my chest.

Years went by.

Two of them. In which I pined for him from a distance. Having to satisfy myself with the charley horses’s he bestowed upon me, knuckle-punching me in the shoulder when we played a pick-up game of basketball. I reciprocated by kneeing him in the groin.

The sexual tension was palpable.

He never asked me out. Even though he was the only boy my dad hadn’t terrified by casually cleaning his gun in front him. (Let us not forget my future prom date who moved to Nicaragua under the assumed name of Poncho Libre when my dad caught me sneaking home with him from a jaccuuzi tryst at 2 a.m. and confronted us from the juniper bushes oiling his Ruger 10/22).

In fact, Mike frequently came over JUST TO SEE MY DAD!

He’d walk in my house and say, “Where’s your dad?”

“In his bedroom,” I’d reply, which was tantamount to telling Mike he was Saddam Hussein in his spider hole aka dangerous and best left alone.

Mike would just waltz right back there and watch TV with my dad. The two of them sitting on the master bed. What. The. Shmazolee?

So imagine the thrill I had when I could not, for the life of me, purloin a date to my sophomore prom and Mike asked me.

I believe he said, “Hey Bradley, if you want to go to prom I’ll take you.” I thought seriously about having that sentence tattooed on my coccyx.

I don’t remember much about the actual prom; car ride, dancing, eating et. al. What I do remember is standing just outside my house after the prom saying goodnight to Mike.

The setting was perfect. A flickering/guttering streetlight lit the scene a la the moment when Michael Meyers was going to eviscerate Jamie Lee Curtis on the street in the first Halloween. My neighbor Antonio roaring by in his jacked up El Camino screaming, “Do it in the road!” My father not exiting the house carrying any kind of weapon.

I waited, armpits sweating, chest heaving, lips puckering for the most romantic kiss of my life (i.e. the 2nd kiss of my life). My eyelids became sensuously heavy, lashes batting incendiar-ily, until my eyes couldn’t stay open a moment longer. I was ready.

I was still ready.

Still ready.

Zzzzzzzz.

What the hell was taking him so long?! I opened my eyes. Mike stared at me quizzically, as if I’d suddenly become a mutant troglodyte.

“Bradley, go inside. I gotta make sure you get in safe or your dad’ll kill me.”

Holy. Shit.

“Of course, it’s not like I was waiting for you to kiss me, because we’re friends and that would be weird and I’m going inside to cry as I eat six bowls of Count Chocula.  So thanks.”

“Yeah, thanks, Bradley. That wasn’t so bad.”

I could have lived with that. It would’ve been okay. Because he took all of his sister’s friends to dances over the next couple of years. Viv. Kris. Tammy. Others I don’t really remember.

Obviously he didn’t want to complicate his young life with the high-tension drama romance could incite. He just didn’t need all of that headache in high school. I admired him, actually.

Then came my 30th high school reunion.

All of Mike’s dance dates sat around a circular table, reminiscing about high school in general, and our dance dates with Mike in particular. And guess what? He kissed all of them. Every single one of them.

Except me.

It’s a blow, I’ll admit. I’m malingering a little. But, I’m hoping to set things straight when my eldest goes to her prom. She will wear a better dress than I wore. I’ll invite Mike to chaperone alongside me, so he can rue the day he didn’t tap this:

Me-Mulletpic

I could rock a mullet.

Can you please tell me about your lame prom dates? And if yours were really hot, could you just lie? Thank you.

Tags assigned to this article:
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5 comments

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  1. Liz
    Liz 1 April, 2014, 07:48

    Awesome story, magnificent description. QUESTIONS REMAIN.

    My prom story:

    My junior year of high school (another 198… neveryoumind year), I had a crush on “D”. He attended the brother school to my all-girls school, and I saw him at occasional coeducational events. He was a year younger than I, and so it was unlikely he’d get an opportunity to go to prom unless a girl asked him (prom was for juniors/seniors only). So I did. He said yes, and I was practically trembling with delight. OHBOYOHBOY.

    Neither he nor I had our driver’s licenses yet, and so, his mother ferried us to and fro. She was a quiet, courteous woman with an impressive Aqua-netted helmet of hair. (I spent much time staring at the back of her head on the way to the prom, as D and I made rather awkward conversation in the back seat.)

    Prom itself was fine. There was dancing, it was pleasant. Nothing earth-shattering, certainly, but a Good Time. He seemed like he enjoyed himself.

    On the way home from the prom, D sat in the front seat next to his mother. I sat in the back seat alone. It was awfully quiet.

    His mother parked the car in front of the house, and D chivalrously walked me to my back door. He shook my hand. He scurried away.

    And that was that.

    :::sigh:::

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  2. Serena Belva
    Serena Belva 1 April, 2014, 14:46

    You really did rock that mullet! Oh, and your dress was awesome. What does it say about me that I would wear it now?

    Reply this comment
  3. Christine
    Christine 2 April, 2014, 08:32

    My Junior Prom date chugged a bottle of cough syrup before my prom “so he could get high”. One of the worst nights of my life….

    Senior prom wasnt much better, but at least he didnt chug cough syrup.

    Ugh. Prom.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 2 April, 2014, 10:03

      Christine I feel you. My Homecoming date senior year was three sheets to the wind by the time he picked me up. Good news, he wasn’t driving. Bad news, lots of spit and giggles. Ack.

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