“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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There’s Always a Way to Feel Inadequate Online aka The Small Willy

David statuePicThe number of you stumbling upon this blog is steadily rising. It’s made me feel a bit like I imagine a man with a very small willy might feel if he woke up because his formerly tiny willy is now poking him in the eye. Startling, frightening, but also a source of inestimable pride.

But then I looked further into my blog analytics to discover that in, other ways, I seem to be deflating.

Like the man with the formerly small willy who now has a large willy, but it’s incapable of an erection! (I think it’s safe to say I’m all about penis metaphors today, which must mean I’m bored with my inadequate analytics and my online life.)

To confess. People are bouncing off of my site at a higher rate. Some people arrive and leave again in just over two minutes. Apparently some of my new readers have stumbled upon me by accident as I’ve discovered my biggest demographic is men between the ages of 25 and 35. This leads me to believe they come for the nude photos only to discover the nudes are about a rather serious subject (body dysmorphic disorder) so perhaps not as much pleasure can be derived from the nudes as if they were just simply unencumbered tits and ass?

Also, people aren’t commenting enough on my blog. (You know who you are! And I know where you live!) This, apparently, is a sign of the dreaded LC- Lacking Community. Now I feel so comment inferior that I’m looking into comment-augmentation surgery.

Apparently people want to read my stuff then get on with their lives and not bounce around reading more of my stuff. I’m not sure why that is? Shouldn’t I be so riveting that readers have no time to make love to their spouses or feed their children? Shouldn’t they be hunched and gnarled over their computers awaiting the details of my life? Which is mostly online? Am I not The Matrix??

Sigh. This is almost as bad as when they invented the answering machine back in the stone age when I dated that guy who never called me, like, ever. I would never have felt rejected and inadequate if it weren’t for that damn machine!

Anyway, I think you should comment below in order to save me from ending it all due to my lack of readership in Malaysia. The bastards there expect me to write in indigenous Malay!

(Author’s note: Facebook is now charging money for each post I place on my Fan Page. If you love this site — or hate it for that matter — sign up HERE for my weekly newsletter in order not to miss a thing!


Tags assigned to this article:
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56 comments

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  1. MC
    MC 3 December, 2013, 09:09

    I am a new reader and I love your blog. I don’t comment often because I try to avoid online disagreements and you have some very opinionated readers. I commented on one post and the subsequent comments deeply offended me and it took everything in me not to reply.

    I’ll try to get past that since I do really enjoy all your posts.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 3 December, 2013, 09:30

      Hi MC — thanks for sticking your toe into the comment water por moi. I really had to grow a thick skin when I started blogging for The Huffington Post because commenters there are just flat out mean. I realized, after a few bruising months, not to take the negativity too seriously. People can be cruel online in a way they would never be in real life because they get to hide behind a cloak of anonymity. Anyhow, so glad to know you enjoy coming here to read. It means a lot. xo

      Reply this comment
  2. Rosie
    Rosie 3 December, 2013, 09:20

    “Go ahead,” (You DO make my day!) 🙂 In other words, keep it coming, I love to read it!

    Reply this comment
  3. Heather
    Heather 3 December, 2013, 10:05

    Don’t end it all. It would sadden me- I love reading and lurking around your site. I, like MC, haven’t had great experiences with comment streams before (not on your site but others- it’s true that YouTube comment are when humanity goes to die). I love your blog and you. You are amazing! I just prefer to be silent and creepily watch your blog doings than to open my mouth and type creepy, fan-girly words :p I think Mark Twain said something similar.

    Reply this comment
  4. Donna Hanton
    Donna Hanton 3 December, 2013, 10:32

    Hi Shannon,
    I love the blog and am now a subscriber! I’ve also commented twice in as many days! I don’t comment often, as I feel that I don’t always have anything to contribute. As a blogger myself though, I know how it can feel to write and write and not get any feedback! Hope I’m helping to boost the sagging (or is that drooping) analytics!!

    Reply this comment
  5. Heather
    Heather 3 December, 2013, 10:53

    Hi Shannon! I think your blog is hilariously funny, you are a gorgeous woman with a beautiful family, and I would love to be your friend (satire and sass? Sign me up!). Since we are on opposite sides of the country, that might be difficult. You do have some sort of power over me, as I had no intention of commenting… Maybe it is better for all that you are so far from me.

    Either way – I can no longer be considered part of the LC. I commented! So there!

    Cheers!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 3 December, 2013, 19:36

      Heather there you are!! I’ve been waiting to meet you here! I’m frequently on the east coast. The stalked becomes the stalker. xo

      Reply this comment
  6. stef
    stef 3 December, 2013, 12:14

    Well, I took a break from baking rum (and some fruit-)cakes today to say I love that through your posts you seem hilarious, irreverant in a sweet way, smart, genuine, classy, and unafraid (even to pose nude), so there’s that. Welcome to Comment Heaven, lol.

    Most of my blog views seem to come from someplace called vampirestats.com or adsensewatchdog or whatever. No idea if that’s good or bad, but it feels like–wah, it’s not actual people. Curse you, stats…

    I love your blog, and I think I’ve read all the posts, but I don’t comment on every one. That way I don’t feel like That Weirdo Constant Commenter/Stalker who comments within minutes of every new post (crazy fans are worse than no fans, I think). Not that I have any of those, either…

    I’m usually just glad if what I write about on my blog makes ME laugh (that’s kind of my gauge, lol). Then I get all excited because I’m like “Hey, I have 4 COMMENTS! From people!! No, wait. Two of those are me, replying…” so, yeah. 😉

    Also I don’t have a very thick skin for internet rudeness, so I guess if I got lots of comments, I’d have to deal with the rude stuff, even if just to moderate and delete it, and then I’d spend a day being mad that a stranger negatively affected my day. But then that might give me something else to rant about…which could be funny, and so it goes.

    p.s.–if it also helps–your blog is at the top of my Reading List. Not the bottom. Not even the middle.

    See? Comment Heaven, right there. 😉

    Reply this comment
  7. sunny
    sunny 3 December, 2013, 22:06

    I found your blog a few months ago and have been laughing ever since. Keep writing, I’ll keep reading and will comment too. I am not a writer so I am shy about replying.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 3 December, 2013, 23:07

      Sunny thanks so much for committing your words to the infernal internet on my behalf! I so appreciate knowing you’re out there. xo S

      Reply this comment
  8. Melissa
    Melissa 4 December, 2013, 00:28

    I found you through the Bloggess. At first glance, I thought you might be the kind of woman
    who was stuck in her past, hung up on her glory days.
    Instead, what unfolded were funny stories, great writing, and a nice inventory of personal revelation. I follow you on twitter, but the blog link only works part of the time.
    Stalkers aren’t cool, and maybe I dipped a toe in the crazy pool with too many tweets.
    No worries. Keep going! This forum is a terrific outlet for your creativity and writing.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 4 December, 2013, 07:15

      Hi Melissa — I love the Bloggess and am thrilled she passed you on to me. Thanks so much for commenting and letting me know that you’re out there. It means a lot. xo

      Reply this comment
  9. mirela
    mirela 4 December, 2013, 05:57

    I have been here for over two years now, reading every post. You are such a talented writer and your sense of humor is brightening my days! Keep writing and I’ll keep reading, I promise 🙂

    Reply this comment
  10. nessy
    nessy 4 December, 2013, 15:05

    I am new to your blog and I love it. I read blogs like magazines…daily. I never comment on any blog that i read. Didn’t think it mattered. I will do so more often.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 4 December, 2013, 22:48

      Nessy thanks for visiting. I write to be read which is why it’s so lovely to hear from you. xo S

      Reply this comment
  11. Carolyn J.
    Carolyn J. 4 December, 2013, 17:53

    Ah, don’t worry. Maybe go outside and do something active when you feel grumpy. It was warm here in Nashville today and I planted the pansies I had bought a week ago. In 2 days, we may have an ice storm!

    P.S. I enjoy reading about your happy marriage and good kids.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 4 December, 2013, 22:53

      Carolyn you are too sweet. And you’re so right about getting out and getting active. It always soothes my soul.

      Reply this comment
  12. Angela
    Angela 4 December, 2013, 20:06

    Delurking to say, I also found your site through The Bloggess, your writing is funny, irreverent, honest and real. Your posts about marriage are great and it’s nice to read positive things about marriage and the things that aren’t perfect which drive you crazy, I can relate. But what always comes through is how much you love your husband and kids.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 4 December, 2013, 22:54

      Angela thank you for revealing your presence. It makes me happy. And I’m so glad the love shines through. I’m living with some good eggs. xo

      Reply this comment
  13. Doug
    Doug 5 December, 2013, 09:00

    Interesting metaphores you decided to use. What struck me is the number of people leaving and the declining comments. I happened to come here today because I saw an old notification from your blog. I do not seem to get notices by e-mail. I was never notified about this piece. So, you might check to make sure the website is sending out notifications correctly.

    One other note. I am outside of your main demographic, but I also enjoyed the nudes. I really like the project that you did where you recreated photos you had done a few years before.

    Anyway, I enjoy your blog. Just keep sending notices.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 5 December, 2013, 09:10

      Hi Doug — I need to be more consistent in sending out my newsletter. It’s been two months since I’ve done so. Thanks to you I’m going to get one out today.

      Reply this comment
  14. Gail
    Gail 5 December, 2013, 14:50

    After happily flitting hither and yon, reading your deliciously witty and extremely well-written blog posts, you have shamed me into adding a comment. I came for the “Muffinlicious” – hilarious by the way – and stayed for the “Shannon-i-gans”.

    You’re an excellent writer with painfully accurate insight into the aging process (I’m 49), and you have earned my loyalty.

    Cheers.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 5 December, 2013, 16:56

      Oh Gail thank you so much for helping lift me out of my sense of inadequacy. I hope all writers are as needy as me. xo

      Reply this comment
  15. pia
    pia 6 December, 2013, 05:46

    I love your blog and read it every time you have a new post. Love how you obviously love and adore your daughters but often relegate them to a side role in your posts.

    Let me try to explain the myriad of reasons I don’t comment.

    Oh right –needy isn’t quite the word for me, Shannon. I have a personal blog I have been ignoring–it used to be well known but uh it’s no longer 2004-2008 and I moved from the Upper West Side of Manhattan which makes me an inherently less interesting person in the blogosphere.

    I often commented on people’s blogs and wouldn’t get a comment back which was then proper etiquette. if somebody didn’t comment back it meant they didn’t like you or your writing. Or they would send you a one line email. Would it have killed them to comment on my blog?

    So I began to feel that many people hated me. I had spent way too much time thinking up insightful witty comments that I left on their blogs. Some of these people, many really, would let me know when they had a new post as my comments were “so wonderful.” Would it have killed them to comment on my blog?

    I realize I didn’t write pithy posts filled with pictures. But how many people sort of flashed John Gotti and lived to tell about it? (I have an unnatural attachment to that post.)

    This is not a plea for comments. At this point I would rather not have them. I write because I love writing not because I want the social interaction though I have made many great friends over the past 9 years.

    My posts aren’t “comment friendly” and I suspect yours aren’t either. Be happy with the lurkers. They rev up your page views and will come out of the woodwork to tell you how much you mean to them

    I was a political blogger (not on my blog) who was asked such questions as “what kind of mental illness do you have? I have a theory that all people on the far left…” First I don’t have a mental illness but a neurological disorder I write about for psychology today because somebody had to and they asked me!

    Anyway I’ve gotten far far worse comments than the one I mentioned. I never knew I liked to kill toddlers. Live and learn! I’m kind of proud of lacking a moral compass and center because I’m divorced, no kids. The guy got 50 of his nearest and dearest to back him. They were commenting on a piece of fiction about an older woman who is talking–just talking to a younger man who because I lived in NY then delivered dinner to her house. It was a character study that lacked any kind of sexual innuendos but you would have thought from the comments…Fortunately I had what was then called Pia’s posse and they commented too in rabid disbelief.

    One of the happiest days of my life was the day I realized the blogging police weren’t going to come to your house and throw you into blogging jail if you deleted the comments.

    I’m older than you though my immaturity probably makes me seem younger than you and am a geriatric social worker by training and some work (3rd career, I’m on my fourth now)–but I refuse to write about aging and retirement for many many reasons. Basically I can never afford to write–either financially or emotionally as writing keeps me in shape and focused I will write about older women in fiction and after the deliverymen fiasco began writing sensual ones. tell me not to do something and….

    I read very few blogs now. Yours is one of the few I won’t miss. I too found you through the Bloggess and (our secret) enjoy you more as I can relate more!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 6 December, 2013, 08:18

      Dear Pia — so nice to get to know you here and thanks for making me aware of your presence. I will certainly dash over and have a look at your blog. I’m glad you made me aware that I need to check whether some of my commenters have blogs. I don’t do that. Live and learn. And I so appreciate the fact that you come here and enjoy the work. XoS

      Reply this comment
  16. Christine
    Christine 6 December, 2013, 09:19

    Hey Shannon

    I have been reading for awhile, after stumbling upon your blog on the Huffington post. I check the blog daily to see if there are any new posts, and when they are, I find myself laughing out loud, everytime. I have only commented once, and normally dont comment at all. But I find your blog to be one of my favorites and I truly enjoy reading. So if comments you command, then your wish is my command! Thanks for the laughs! 🙂

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 6 December, 2013, 09:22

      Christine — this post was such an overt plea for affirmation. And I so appreciate all of the comments. I love knowing there are real people I am connecting with in the blogosphere. xo xo

      Reply this comment
  17. Jennifer Wenner
    Jennifer Wenner 7 December, 2013, 11:26

    Hey Shannon- longtime reader of your blog, came over from the Bloggess. I started at your first post and read every entry. So, the next time you’re ready to end it all(blogaphorically speaking, please remember that you provide this(often bored)librarian desperately needed reading material. Any published author’s blog is totally legit at work right? No need for comment augmentation surgery, your willy is HUGE.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 8 December, 2013, 19:17

      Jennifer you win as most dedicated. Thanks so much for letting me know! It means a lot. LMK if I can send you a free copy of my book. I’d really like to do that.

      Reply this comment
  18. Jennifer Wenner
    Jennifer Wenner 7 December, 2013, 11:28

    When you moderate the comment, can you fix my typos? Librarian’s failure to proofread aside, the sentiment is there.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 8 December, 2013, 19:18

      Ok, I didn’t notice typos, but don’t think I can edit anyone else’s stuff. Sorry or maybe it would be better if I wrote Sauly.

      Reply this comment
      • Jennifer Wenner
        Jennifer Wenner 8 December, 2013, 20:10

        I just forgot to close my parentheses, but no worries 🙂
        I downloaded your book “Smash, Crash and Burn” on my Kindle, but I still need to read “Into the Child.” Would love a copy- maybe I can donate one to my library! Keep being awesome!

        Reply this comment
  19. Lynn Wegmann
    Lynn Wegmann 9 December, 2013, 08:30

    I too, found you through The Blogess. I love her inappropriate, irreverent humor! I’m a frequent reader, but not a fequent commenter. I’ll try to be better in the future. I’ve added you to my bookmarks; you’re funny, honest, witty, and also a smart ass. Those are all good things in my world!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 9 December, 2013, 09:24

      Thanks Lynn — I’m loving the smart ass bit, my husband can vouch for that!

      Reply this comment
  20. FoodieMama67
    FoodieMama67 11 December, 2013, 17:28

    I’ll admit it, I have been a lurker for over a year, but I love your honesty and your voice. Bravo!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 11 December, 2013, 19:07

      Hi Foodie Mama — I appreciate you coming out of the shadows when I need attention! Thank you!

      Reply this comment
  21. Catherine
    Catherine 13 December, 2013, 11:46

    Love your blog — and just signed up for your email list. re: the mean comments online — I actually think they are endemic to bullying. The two come from the same place: hurting someone you are pretty certain cannot hurt you back. You, however, Shannon are one of the golden ones who can make us laugh—and make us laugh over everything from belly fat to puking children. Thank you thank you thank you for keeping it real and poking fun at it (this thing we call life.)

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 13 December, 2013, 13:19

      My dearest Catherine thank you so much for your sweet words! They mean so much. Although you should know I don’t entirely forgive you for having legs that are firmer than mine. You’re going to have to eat nothing but Duck Confit and lay in bed until your legs have the consistency of mashed potatoes. A small price to make me happy?

      Reply this comment
  22. Foodie Mama67
    Foodie Mama67 13 December, 2013, 15:32

    Forgot to add that I found you thru The Bloggess as well and I bought both your books!

    Reply this comment
  23. Mitchell S. Capalbo
    Mitchell S. Capalbo 16 December, 2013, 23:45

    Shannon I would respond more to ts great funny blog, but I don’t want to come off as a blogstalker.lol
    As you know I too have a blog and rarely get comments. Btw I have known you a longtime. You are like a great wine you just keep getting bettr with age. More beautiful with every photo. Call me crazy, but nudes are okay.. but the imagination.of what’s under that bathing suit is more sexy. I think.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 17 December, 2013, 11:06

      Mitchell — you’re a doll. My fingers are crossed for all of your job interviews. Exciting.

      Reply this comment
  24. Rebecca
    Rebecca 17 December, 2013, 21:03

    Another visitor from The Bloggess! Consummate lurker on this and many other blogs too. I’m a blog junkie. I like to read 3-10 posts at once, usually not in order, and so I feel kind of silly commenting on something that was posted over a year ago. But I really enjoy reading your blog and often re-read posts. You are daring and relatable. I think the new facebook advertising direction is ridiculous (it’s affecting a blog I write for too).

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 18 December, 2013, 07:35

      Hey Rebecca — thanks for stepping into the light and calling me “daring.” Best compliment ever. Send me the link to your blog. Would love to check it out!

      Reply this comment
  25. Rebecca
    Rebecca 18 December, 2013, 14:10

    Ah, well I really mean it! Here’s the blog I write for: hdydi.com
    And here is my personal blog, though it is a giant mess. I haven’t written in almost a year because I can’t figure out where it’s going or how much I want to share.
    sewsewawesome.blogspot.com

    Reply this comment
  26. Cathy Chester
    Cathy Chester 23 January, 2014, 05:58

    Um, Shannon. I had to scroll down for two minutes just to be able to comment. So you obviously have a lot of people who are staying around till the end. But you already knew that, right?

    The problem is we are all inundated with blog posts. Of course, we (or I) think people need to linger on our blogs! I wish, I wish, I wish.

    Loved this post.

    PS I post to my fan page. Does that mean I’ll get charged. These new FB rules are making me nuts!

    Reply this comment
  27. Katie Paul
    Katie Paul 22 May, 2014, 17:21

    Oh Hi!

    My most popular post is about suicide and goes viral every now and again. On those days my bounce rate is about 28 seconds!

    I’ve given up looking at the traffic because, just like a penis, bigger doesn’t mean better.

    I love your stuff, keep going and other words of encouragement that sound so banal when you write them down (which is probably why I don’t comment so much on any blogs these days).

    Love
    K x

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 22 May, 2014, 23:16

      Katie Paul — okay, now I’m curious about your suicide post, but don’t want to seem morbid. And thank you for any and all words of encouragement. Writer’s need them desperately. xo

      Reply this comment
  28. Melissa Senecal
    Melissa Senecal 27 June, 2014, 19:21

    Hey there! I am a new follower from FB and I have been reading and catching up!! Loved the post with the nudes!! More women need to hear that message!! As for your “friend”, I believe they wrote a nursery rhyme about him,”Wee Willy Winkie”
    Sorry, could help myself!! 😉

    Reply this comment
  29. Jon
    Jon 1 March, 2015, 11:48

    This makes me sad for some reason. Probably because I always wake up with a small willy… :/

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 2 March, 2015, 01:39

      Jon I’m sure there’s an equally tiny Wilhelmina out there for you!

      Reply this comment
      • Jon
        Jon 3 March, 2015, 03:25

        Haha, despite my shortcomings, I did actually find this post funny… Or maybe it’s because of my shortcomings that I found this post funny. People do like to laugh at themselves, it’s the reason a lot of stand-up routines involve the audience… A large portion of your demographic are male… And a lot of men have small willies.

        Reply this comment
        • Alex
          Alex 3 March, 2015, 08:21

          Lol! I enjoyed this post’s funny metaphor too. Although, I’m not honest enough to admit it was for the same reason as you. ..Even if it was.

          Reply this comment

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