“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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Does My New ABOUT Page Work? I Need Your Input

Hello Readers, Friends, Family and Porn Spammers. It would mean so much to me if you could give me notes on my new About page. Is it too long? Are there parts that are boring? Does it make you want to subscribe to my newsletter?

I’ll send a copy of my new book, Smash, Crash and Burn: Tales From The Edge Of Celebrity to one fortunate (?) commenter.

ABOUT PAGE Below:

Hello, my name is Shannon Bradley-Colleary.

ON MARRIAGE AND SEX: Do you worry your married sex life is lame and boring compared to other couples? Do you feel bad about fantasizing that you’re a hot-blooded Flamenco dancer having a torrid affair with George Clooney after an international dance competition in Firenze, Italia and that he drinks vodka out of your belly button? (Not that I have. That’s just hypothetical).

ON PARENTING: Are you concerned about the Bitcho-meter on your parenting? Is it too high? Too low? Does it have a pulse? Were you accused by your 4-year old of “Cutting the Fun!”? (Again, hypothetical).

ON BEAUTY: Do you wish you knew how all of the celebrities of-a-certain-age (you know who you are Christy Brinkley!) look so good? I mean, are they drinking yak semen and exfoliating with the pubic hair of Mormon virgins?

ON BODY IMAGE: Do you think about the mound of chub on your belly fifty times a day? Are you embarrassed about your neck? Could you have solved Poverty if you spent less time wondering how to stop your thighs from rubbing together?

ON HOLLYWOOD: Have you ever wondered if Gwyneth Paltrow stole your life? Or what it would be like to kiss and tell on David Schwimmer? Or to dance at the VMAs as a Suicide Blonde for INXS? Or what it was like to date a rising star who faded away too soon?

Do you want to cry (for me)? Do you need to laugh (at me)?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then this blog is for you and you should definitely sign up for my monthly newsletter.

This way you won’t miss a thing so your world won’t spin off its axis and you won’t end up spiraling out of control in the black nothingness of space like Sandra Bullock, only minus the part where she gets back to earth.

(Thanks to George Clooney, I might add. I see there’s a recurring theme here).

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A LITTLE ABOUT ME:

I live in Los Angeles with my screenwriter husband Henry and my two daughters Clare (11) and Bridget (9). I began in Los Angeles as a Wacktress (waiter/actress – mostly waiter):

L.A. Wacktress

I know. I was cute.

Then became a married, pregnant screenwriter:

Married, Pregnant L.A. Screenwriter

Still cute in a chubby, gassy, pregnant way.

Ultimately evolving into an I-need-some-creative-satisfaction blogger and a very bad, yet still bossy AYSO soccer referee for my daughters’ Girls-Under-8 team.

AYSO Soccer Referee

Not cute at all. No cuteness here.

I coined the phrase “The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful” when I was 8-months pregnant with Bridget, standing in line at the meat counter at Bristol Farms in Beverly Hills.

Five butchers (count ‘em…five!) were helping a young, non-pregnant Pussycat Doll select a pound of cackle while I festered swollenly nearby trying to order one freaking carne asada!

Eventually I passed out from hypoglycemia due to LACK OF RED MEAT and when the paramedics came they forgot to collect my 50-lbs.-up limp form off the ground because they were too busy helping the Pussycat Doll carry her boneless, skinless chicken cutlets to her car.

WHY I STARTED MY BLOG:

I’ve worked 13-years as a screenwriter and more often than not what originally excited me about a project changes drastically in development.

For better or worse the blog is all mine. It won’t pay for college (maybe the occasional bottle of gin?), but it’s my mistress who I’m always eager to get to.

In case you forgot due to a medical marijuana overdose …

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STUFF THAT TELLS YOU HOW COVETED I AM:

My posts have been syndicated by: AOL, London’s Daily MailOnline, The Today Show, CNN, Studio11LA, NPR, Raising America with Kyra Phillips, Babble and BlogHer.

I’m a contributing blogger at The Huffington Post.

I won BlogHer’s Voices of The Year in 2011, 2012 and 2013. I was selected, out of thousands, to be one of the 12 KeyNote Speakers at the 2013 BlogHer conference in Chicago.

RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:

I was interviewed on Fox Studio LA and The Today Show about fine art nudes, emphasis on “fine art,” I had taken at age 26 and 46 to have better body image.

I’ve had three stepfathers and they all had mustaches. Now I have a mustache.

I lived on a boat named The Allegro in Antioch, California for six months when I was 9. I also get seasick.

I speak fluent Spanish. I’m particularly expressive with the curse words. Chinga mis dedos me duelen de typing!

My husband wrote the classic action film Face-Off with Nicolas Cage and John Travolta. He also wrote Lara Croft Tomb Raider, but fortunately Angelina didn’t try to steal him from me. I think I could take her if I had to.

I danced as a Suicide Blonde for INXS at the MTV video awards in 1990. My platinum wig fell off mid-routine so they never actually cut to me on camera. Then Oliver Stone tried to pick me up in the parking lot.

Gwyneth Paltrow came to see a play I was in before she was famous. She played my role in a different production a few months later. Evidently our career paths diverged from there.

I dated David Schwimmer and Brandon Lee (Bruce Lee’s son, for those who aren’t familiar with his too-brief body of work) before they became famous. People frequently become famous after meeting me (also after reading me – pass it on).

I have a digestive disorder I won’t name (IBS – irresistible beauty syndrome). After a year of profound suffering anti-depressants made it livable. Also, IBS is very sexy. Men flock in droves when they hear about it.

I had a mini-brow lift and blepharoplasty when I was of-a-certain-age despite the fact that I’m not vain or shallow in any way. Since then I no longer judge anyone who has plastic or cosmetic surgery. Except maybe Kate Gosselin because she scares me. Would not want to meet her in a desolate warehouse.

I’m obsessed with the Boden catalogue. It’s my Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. I want to live there, swimming in polka dots, nibbling on loud prints enjoying the phantasmagoria. However, they do charge you money for the clothes.

So, in an effort to beat my addiction I started a No Shopping Project called #71dressesin71days, during which I had to wear all of the 71 dresses I own (I am the Imelda Marcos of dresses) over 71 days before I could buy even one used thong.

I love to arm wrestle other moms and win. Especially my friend, call-name Tango 5-6, because she can do one-arm push-ups.

We took our daughters to South Africa in February of 2013 on safari and it was the best trip we’ve ever taken as a family. And we didn’t get eaten by leopards, which is good.

I admire my husband. I want to grow up to be just like him. My daughters are my life.

In the right light, with a little photoshop, in a good bra, wearing a stiff deoderant and a fresh pantyliner I can still look like this.

(Author’s note: Facebook is now charging money for each post I place on my Fan Page. If you love this site — or hate it for that matter — sign up HERE for my weekly newsletter in order not to miss a thing!


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21 comments

Write a comment
  1. Rosie
    Rosie 12 December, 2013, 16:33

    Does ennui possess a (my mother would say)” Hinder”? If so, you put a well-placed boot in it every time you write! 🙂

    Reply this comment
  2. Joyce Turner
    Joyce Turner 12 December, 2013, 16:39

    I enjoy reading your blog and admire your quick wit and sense of humor.
    My thought about your ABOUT is perhaps you could edit it a bit and begin a new tab updated weekly with more of your ABOUT

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 12 December, 2013, 19:05

      Joyce — I absolutely MUST edit. It’s way too long. Will look at it in a couple of days and hopefully what needs to go will be glaringly obvious.

      Reply this comment
  3. Joyce Turner
    Joyce Turner 12 December, 2013, 16:43

    my computer just decided to SUBMIT my comment before I finished my thought. So sorry about that.

    …As I was saying. Perhaps you could introduce some of the edited ABOUT information in weekly/daily updates.

    Just a thought.

    Reply this comment
  4. Sharona Zee
    Sharona Zee 13 December, 2013, 02:39

    Long, but nonetheless riveting! 🙂

    Reply this comment
  5. Sharon Greenthal
    Sharon Greenthal 13 December, 2013, 05:25

    A little long but thoroughly entertaining. Tighten it up (eliminate duplicated links and references) and you’ve got yourself a WINNA!!! Good stuff, Shannon.

    Reply this comment
  6. Lisa
    Lisa 13 December, 2013, 08:27

    I love it! I wonder if they sell yak semen and the pubes of young mormons on Amazon. Would Jehovah’s Witness pubes work in a pinch?

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 13 December, 2013, 09:27

      Hello Lisa — we’ve found Jehovah’s Witness pubes to be a bit sparse unfortunately.

      Reply this comment
  7. Kathleen
    Kathleen 13 December, 2013, 09:59

    I think the first part (On Parenting, Hollywood, etc) sucks. I love your writing and it is clear that you are hilarious, but that section seems like you are trying too hard to be funny, and that sort of covers up the fact that you are actually really funny. Does that make sense? Then the second part makes you sound sort of ridiculous. You are a grown ass woman with children, and over half of your “about me” section is about relatively small portion of your life (early 20s in LA). When I first found your blog, I loved reading your stories about your youth; easy to read, funny stories to pass the time at work, but I kept coming back and as I read more and more, I found you to be really smart, interesting and unexpectedly insightful. I guess my long winded point is that you are rad, and this “about me” section doesn’t accurately represent that. I read tons of blogs and hate read a ton more, you are one of the few bloggers that I think is a legitimately talented writer. I think your posts speak for themselves and this “about me” section should just be a simple bio referencing a couple of your best posts. What? You asked.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 13 December, 2013, 13:16

      Kathleen you crack me up and I appreciate your candor. I’ve been listening to this social media guru Derek Halpern and trying to follow his adviceand I think it’s good advice, but I have about 3 different About Pages in my one page. I will take your notes under advisement. And thanks for the compliments too. I’m needy that way.

      Reply this comment
  8. Catherine
    Catherine 13 December, 2013, 11:52

    Okay — if it made me laugh out loud and read to the very bottom then I am thinking it is not too long. I agree with Sharon that you could cut down on some of your internal links to previous posts (cut RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME by 50%?) We will be won over by the intro and go looking for other posts on our own, I suspect. At least I did… but then I may not be in your demographic as I am neither male nor between the ages of 25 and 35… I might just be a member of the tribe of women who might have formerly called themselves beautiful… 🙂

    Reply this comment
  9. mirela
    mirela 16 December, 2013, 06:48

    You are so beautiful, Shannon!

    Reply this comment
  10. Tanya
    Tanya 16 December, 2013, 10:59

    Too long. You could end it right after “subscribe to my newsletter” and it would be perfect. FYI – I’m a new reader and read about INXS / Brandon Lee / body image without ever seeing your About page. Love your recent post on married sex – so true!!

    Reply this comment
  11. Serena Belva
    Serena Belva 16 December, 2013, 11:18

    I think it could be condensed a bit but it held my attention. The photos and summary of your life and career are great. Maybe the number of links you have to other posts are a bit too numerous for an about section? In the past I have had some trouble on your site concerning being able to find specific posts that I want to get back to, though. The only error that caught my eye is under your last photo caption that deodorant is misspelled (unless I’m spelling it wrong which is possible). Actually after googling it, I’m seeing it spelled both ways!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 16 December, 2013, 11:55

      Serena I so appreciate your feedback. I did condense a bit and cut down on all of the linking inside my blog. I will check deodorant. I always need help with spell-checking and typos. No matter how thorough I am I always manage to miss some. xo

      Reply this comment
  12. stef
    stef 16 December, 2013, 14:11

    Ahh, I say it’s just right. But I’m wordy, and the only advice I EVER get is to SHORTEN IT UP. Edit. Cut some stuff. So I always go back and look at whatever I wrote, thinking, yes, I must be more concise. But I wanted to SAY all that stuff. So I leave it. And since it’s my blog, *I* decide what stays. It makes me feel powerful, lol.

    PS–Don’t we ALL wish we had our 80s bods back?! Youth is truly wasted on the young…

    Reply this comment
  13. Traci
    Traci 11 January, 2014, 09:26

    I think you’re flippin’ funny, but what a windbag ( from one windbag to another).

    Seriously, keep yacking, cause it’s entertaining and spontaneous eruptions of you, but what about finding a way to pepper your blog with a bite or two every day, so over the course of time, we get to hear it all, just not all at once? Ya know, like a “bet you didn’t know” spot on your home page?

    Reply this comment

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