“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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My Freelance Brain On Crack

My brain on CrackOkay, okay, so first I have to connect with that woman I met at the conference on Facebook after which I need to change my Twitter name to @shannoncolleary because no one knows I’m @wifedominatrix and because that might be too edgy or off-putting and I don’t actually own a whip or one of those stuffed animal fur costumes … then I need to change my entire website design and rethink my Linked In portrait, which has too much cleavage going on and might make me seem shallow and slutty then I should probably wax my face … I don’t know why I should wax my face, but it was an impulse I had while I was in the middle-age blogging session at BlogHer and my face felt too hairy … then I have to look at Miley Cyrus’ new music video because I met a woman who does a celebrity dirt blog which gets 4.3 million pageviews a month and I fucking hate that woman who seems sort of frail and wobbly … I could’ve just nudged her out of the four-story room at the Hasbro party … man, this Miley Cyrus video is depressing me … what are kids coming to today? … next I need to write a post on my own site, but I have nothing to say … I may never have anything to say ever again, because I’ve already written about my sexual phobias, my arachnophobia, my necrophobia … I literally have no more phobias to pimp out and am sick of thinking about anything to do with me … that’s it!  Stop writing about myself!  I’ll just troll about online to see what there is to write about … Sweet Jesus … Girl contracts brain eating amoeba at Ark. water park … Why the hell did I want to write something about someone else … have I been in any public water?  A pond?  A stream?  I was in Chicago which has a very large lake called … what the hell is it called? … and it rained on one of those days and maybe some of the brain-eating amoeba water from the lake was evaporated into the air where it condensed and then fell in raindrops on top of my head … which is why I can’t remember the name of the lake in Chicago, but which is great because now I can write about my brain-eating amoeba, it’ll be picked up on HuffPo, go viral and I’ll be invited on the Today Show to discuss my brain-eating amoeba, only so much of my brain will have already been eaten that I won’t actually be able to speak, but I will be able to foam at the mouth, which will go viral spiking my website up to 4.5 million page views a month and that elderly celebrity site woman will be soooo jealous and I’ll get a book deal for a book I can’t write because I’ll be dead.

I quit.


25 comments

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  1. Cathy
    Cathy 29 July, 2013, 16:05

    First, let me get this out of the way: After meeting you in person I want to say pul-eese take the word “formerly” out of your blog name. You are gaw-geous both inside and out. I do love the red nose, though. (I thought you were going to walk out on stage with it)

    Okay. Now I feel better. You are too funny, Shannon, and this post was (not surprisingly) hysterical! It was my laugh for the day.

    Thanks!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 29 July, 2013, 21:33

      Cathy I love you for thinking I’m still beautiful, but I can’t take the Formerly out because it’ll fuck up my SEO/Alexa?where-are-the-brownies URL. But thank you for thinking I’m still beautiful. I’m coming over. Please where the chartreuse negligee and don’t shave.

      Reply this comment
  2. Ellen Dolgen
    Ellen Dolgen 29 July, 2013, 16:14

    Honey — you don’t need an crack – your brain is on fire! I adore your writing! xxoo

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 29 July, 2013, 21:33

      Ellen I don’t know what to say to that except thank you and I love you. Flattery will get your everywhere. Don’t tell Henry.

      Reply this comment
  3. Janie Emaus
    Janie Emaus 29 July, 2013, 16:33

    I agree totally with Cathy. And besides being beautiful, you are one funny lady!

    Reply this comment
  4. Caryn/The Mid Life Guru
    Caryn/The Mid Life Guru 29 July, 2013, 16:52

    Know one does the comedy schtick better than you Miss Shannon. Hang in there!!!

    Reply this comment
  5. Val
    Val 29 July, 2013, 16:58

    Okay, I just lived Blogher vicariously through y’all. Bad News is I missed it, good news is I’m feeling no pressure!!

    Reply this comment
  6. Deborah Stambler
    Deborah Stambler 29 July, 2013, 17:07

    I’m utterly exhausted after reading your post. Thank god I didn’t actually go to BlogHer this year!

    xo

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 29 July, 2013, 21:35

      I can’t respond Deborah as I’m in a post-BlogHer catatonic state. Or I’ve eaten too much Keugel.

      Reply this comment
  7. Trina
    Trina 29 July, 2013, 18:51

    You are gorge…and I agree with Deborah, your post makes blog her sound exhausting! lol

    Reply this comment
  8. AlexandraFunFit
    AlexandraFunFit 29 July, 2013, 23:52

    Please pass the amoeba.

    Reply this comment
  9. Grownandflown
    Grownandflown 30 July, 2013, 06:43

    Shannon, your writing got my day off to the PERFECT start! So happy to have finally met you at BlogHer. Good luck with all the changes in your future. So much to think about coming back for us, too.

    Reply this comment
  10. Tabitha Crow
    Tabitha Crow 30 July, 2013, 06:59

    First of all, take a deep breath. Secondly, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Just know that if you DO happen to contract the brain eating amoeba, me and 4.5 million of your best friends will come to your funeral. And probably ruin it. So you can’t die because you don’t want the last memory Henry has of you to be of 4.5 million (and me) dancing around your casket singing We Are The World or some shit. 🙂

    Have a great day!!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 30 July, 2013, 08:57

      How did you know I want “We Are The World” sung and accompanied by castinets at my funeral??

      Reply this comment
  11. Anne (@notasupermom)
    Anne (@notasupermom) 30 July, 2013, 11:56

    You are making me wish I had a brain-eating amoeba. Imagine the SEO!

    Reply this comment
  12. Stephanie, The Recipe Renovator
    Stephanie, The Recipe Renovator 30 July, 2013, 13:45

    Hilarious! Sorry I missed BlogHer but I am enjoying these posts so much. I think the Lake is called Da Bears.

    Reply this comment
  13. Lois Alter Mark
    Lois Alter Mark 30 July, 2013, 15:08

    Hilarious, and one of the best BlogHer posts I’ve read! Can’t believe I didn’t get to see you there — I was hoping you would grab my other boob this time around!

    Reply this comment
  14. Carpool Goddess
    Carpool Goddess 30 July, 2013, 17:57

    My head is spinning too! Love this!

    Reply this comment

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