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71 Dresses in 71 Days: Week 9

Oh when will this odyssey of pinafores cease?? Why did I buy 71 dresses? Am I the Queen of Marrakesh?

Yes that's me.  With brunette hair and no hips, troubled by my own beauty.  That's Henry in the background awaiting my bidding.  "Get me another dress, Henry or I'll smite you and clap you irons."

Yes that’s me. With brunette hair and no hips, troubled by my own beauty. That’s Henry in the background awaiting my bidding. “Get me another dress, Henry or I’ll smite you and clap you irons.  Some flagellation may occur as well, but no, you like that too much!”

This is my pen-ultimate week of wearing every single one of my dresses before I may purchase anything for myself.  However, this week I have a confession to make.  I have not completely failed, but I have failed a little.  It should be noted, however, there was a villain conspiring against me.  Foresooth, my evil mother …

She came to visit during Mother's Day.  Catching me off-guard she brought a tempting gift ... an Anthropologie gift card.  Back you temptress!

She came to visit during Mother’s Day. Catching me off-guard she brought a tempting gift … an Anthropologie gift card. Back you wicked temptress!

Yes, my mother gave me a gift card.  What the hell is wrong with her?  Doesn’t she know that, for me, walking into Anthropologie is like Charlie Sheen walking into a Catholic high school for girls?

The motherland calls!

Come pillage and plunder us!

That gift card never left me alone for a minute.  It whispered at me every night, “I could be worth 200$, maybe more since you’re such a wonderful daughter who never writes confessional pieces about her childhood in which your mother is frequently the scapegoat.  No, no!  You are beyond reproach, much like Mother Teresa during her menses.  When she was alive.”

Alas, I listened to that gift card voice emanating from my wallet and indeed found myself breaching the walls of the nearest Anthropologie on Beverly Drive in Beverly Hills yesterday.

I went straight to the checkout counter and handed them my gift card.

“How much is on it?” I query, lips atremble in anticipation.  Swipe, swipe, swipe.  “I can’t seem to read it,” murmurs the checkout girl.  Thinking fast I hand her a pair of piquant reading glasses from a nearby display, “Please,” I beg, “Try again!”

“Oh!” she says pleasantly, “It says here you have fifty dollars on this gift card.”

“Fifty dollars?  Are you sure?  Isn’t there an extra number missing?”

“No.  No, it’s fifty.”

How could she say this so casually?  As if it were nothing!  Next time she tries to board a plane to Marrakesh I’ll stop her at the gate, take her ticket (because I’ll have become a stewardess in order to enact this revenge) and say, “I’m so sorry, this is a ticket to Bakersfield.”  After which I’ll cackle insanely and until the end of time.

Fifty dollars.  Okay, I’m sure I can stay within that limit.  (Addiction lies, people.  It lies.)

You can imagine what happened next.  I almost broke both of my forearms by draping three treasure chests full of dresses over my arms before I managed to scale the stairs to the dressing rooms.

My name was already on one of them, scrawled across a tiny, bevelled mirror.  “Shannon,” it said.  I felt so special!

And hence my changing orgy began.  Dresses all beyond the 50$ price tag.  This is where a little voice begins to whisper, “It’s okay if you buy a 118$ dress, because it will really only cost 68$ which is almost nothing at Anthropologie and you haven’t purchased anything for yourself in SIXTY DAYS!  How often does that happen?  Never!  That’s how often.”

There was good news throughout all of this, which was that I looked horrible in almost every single one of those dresses.  In many my hips seemed broad enough to hoist the Titanic from her depths.  In others there were tummy rolls on top of my tummy rolls.  In even more there was a strange fleshiness heretofore unseen protruding from my armpits.  What the hell is that?

I walked out of Anthropologie carrying with me one dress.  The dress cost exactly $68 dollars, which means I spent 18$ on  myself.  I know.  It’s not bad, yet it is a sign that when you give me a gift card it should be for at least 100$ (take note the next time you want to send me money).  Because this is someone else’s fault.  Certainly not mine.

I have eight days left of my #71dressesin71days No-Shopping project.  In penance for my relapse I will be giving away an extra dress.  Bringing my dress donation total to 11 dresses.

Let me know which one of the next seven dresses I should donate or possibly smother myself with.

Dress #57.  I wore this dress to perform in at the Expressing Motherhood show and received a lot of compliments.  Having said that I won't be having any more outdoor photos taken as my head seems to get very large outside.

Dress #57. I wore this dress to perform in at the Expressing Motherhood show and received a lot of compliments. Having said that I won’t be having any more outdoor photos taken as my head seems to get very large outside.

Dress #58.  I always worry this Athleta dress cuts me weird across the tummy.  But love the color.

Dress #58. I always worry this Athleta dress cuts me weird across the tummy. But love the color.

Dress #59.  This Boden summer dress is super comfortable.  But after eating linguini I wonder if it makes me look pregnant.

Dress #59. This Boden summer dress is super comfortable. But after eating linguini I wonder if it makes me look pregnant.

Dress #61.  I bought this as a bathing suit cover-up at El Capitan last summer.  It's wise not to bend over in this one.

Dress #60. I bought this as a bathing suit cover-up at El Capitan last summer. It’s wise not to bend over in this one.

Dress #61.  This is the dress I bought at Anthropologie mostly with my mom's gift card.  So it cost me 18$ and now I have to post 72 dresses instead of 71.  And I have to give an extra dress away.  Was this little number worth it?!

Dress #61. This is the dress I bought at Anthropologie mostly with my mom’s gift card. So it cost me 18$ and now I have to post 72 dresses instead of 71. And I have to give an extra dress away. Was this little number worth it?

Dress #62.  This Anthropologie dress is one of my favorites.  I don't know how they did it, but they made these horizontal stripes slimming??  Or I'm on crack.

Dress #62. This Anthropologie dress is one of my favorites. I don’t know how they did it, but they made these horizontal stripes slimming?? Or I’m on crack.
Dress #63.  I purchased this dress in Franschhoek, South Africa.  I'll be buried in it.

Dress #63. I purchased this dress in Franschhoek, South Africa. I’ll be buried in it.


16 comments

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  1. Chloe Jeffreys
    Chloe Jeffreys 17 May, 2013, 10:37

    I think the one with the stripes gave me an acid flashback. You’re too boobalicious for that frock.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 17 May, 2013, 11:30

      Damn — and of course that’s the one I spent 18$ on. The universe is telling me something!

      Reply this comment
  2. Ellen Dolgen
    Ellen Dolgen 17 May, 2013, 11:01

    i LOVE #s62 and 63!!!DO NOT get rid of them! And I LOVE this project you’re doing – talk about willpower!!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 17 May, 2013, 11:31

      Thanks Ellen — I need to pop over to your blog and get some more wisdom. xo

      Reply this comment
  3. Ginger Kay
    Ginger Kay 17 May, 2013, 16:07

    I’d give away #60. It really does look more like a cover up than a dress.

    Reply this comment
  4. Kyra
    Kyra 17 May, 2013, 18:13

    My favorites are 59, 60 (as a coverup), and 62. I like your old Anthropologie striped dress (it is slimming, and interesting…makes you stare at your slim self)…but not the one you broke your word for (karma, girl…you could have gotten earrings or tableware with that giftcard). Get ride of 58 (your comments are my comments) and 61 (tsk tsk). How funny to be publicly critiquing somebody’s clothes. It feels mean, yet you have absolved us of meanness. You don’t get annoyed?

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 17 May, 2013, 21:09

      I really don’t get annoyed. It’s a dose of reality. This misstep this week brought home to me that shopaholism isn’t about the merit of the object. It’s about the high one gets with the purchase, followed swiftly by shame and disappointment in oneself.

      Reply this comment
  5. Sharona Zee
    Sharona Zee 18 May, 2013, 05:50

    I love 61 and 62…I would STEAL those, so you can’t be blamed for buying them!

    I’ll vote 60 off the island, buy this is a freakin’ cute crop of dresses!

    Reply this comment
  6. Linda Chase
    Linda Chase 18 May, 2013, 15:48

    #60 must go and only because it is too short. Otherwise it is really cute, so keep it if you will wear it as a cover up. The rest of them are a real treat, so this was very hard. Especially the striped Anthro dress and the one from South Africa are yummy and look great on you. If you keep 60, then donate the one you cannot eat linguine in.

    Reply this comment
  7. Dina
    Dina 19 May, 2013, 21:09

    I think #60 is the least of this group of dresses. The others all look so cute! Even 60 looks cute, so it is a close call. My personal preference is for the longer length. On everyone.

    Reply this comment
  8. Carolyn J.
    Carolyn J. 19 May, 2013, 21:37

    Yes, the one from South Africa is the prettiest. Also I think you look best with your hair pulled back. (And don’t really need so many dresses. Could give away half.)

    Reply this comment
  9. Donna
    Donna 20 May, 2013, 11:24

    I like all of them but #61, assuming the cover up will be used as a cover up. The bottom of #61 is falling nicely, but the top part is giving me a headache. Have to say I was really rooting for you to buy something (anything) other than a dress with the gift card, even a top or something. Given the dresses that we have seen, I also think that you could get rid of a lot more of them than 11 due to the redundancies. However, if you get rid of too many, then you might just start replacing them mindlessly again, so baby steps is probably the right approach here.

    Reply this comment
  10. Donna
    Donna 20 May, 2013, 11:38

    By the way, I did buy a dress yesterday-at a used clothing store. It was a Merrell dress (sporty) for 8.25 and also bought a NY and company drapey cardigan-type thing for 4.75. Best part was I went in there actually looking for something like the cardigan. Sometimes it is more fun for me to do thrifting/used stores because a lot of the time you don’t find what you want and if you do, you get it for cheap. Also a lot more variety in the selection. I get a “thrill of the hunt” type experience.

    Reply this comment
  11. AnnW
    AnnW 20 May, 2013, 16:27

    That beautiful girl in the top photo was Talitha ( or Tabitha) Getty. She died of an overdose before she was thirty I think. Some of these current dresses are nice. The one I hate the most is the newest. The stripes make a heart around the boobs and then do something strange to the bottom. Hate the South African dress, it doesn’t do anything for you. Really. The navy with embroidery is not bad as a coverup. Love the first three, they fit very well.
    About big heads. The most famous popular people have oversized heads. Clinton, Conan O’Brian, you get the gist. How do you Feel about wearing dresses so much? Will you keep it up? Ann

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 20 May, 2013, 23:53

      Well that’s so sad about Tabitha Getty! I had no idea. She was certainly stunning.

      Reply this comment
  12. Katarina Henkys
    Katarina Henkys 21 May, 2013, 02:56

    18$ is next to nothing & the Dress is a good one – so how could you resist?
    By the way: I’m enjoying your little project, but I’m not going to emulate you (even though my addiction is shoes, not dresses)!
    Concerning donations: #60 could go I think, but don’t even think about the fantastic numbers 63, 62 & 57
    (-: Kat

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