February 3rd, 2013
I’b shick. Congeshshion, dizzy, shore throat, shivering, shweating. Henry’s shick too and has shweaty balls like Alec Baldwin. So here’sh the five waysh to hab a gweat flu.
1. Deshide not to rush your flu. If your flu wantsh to shet up shop in your phalanges for ten daysh, give your flu ten daysh. Exsplain to your bosh that your flu originated in monkey shpittle frob the darkesht heart of the Congo and ish highly contageioush.
2. Don’t hab a Martha Schtewart themed flu. Don’t make ginger shallot shoup caushing you to loshe five poundsh and feel shuperior to thoshe other flu-ridden jackashes. Don’t watch Mashterpiesh Theater, watch Jerry Shpringer hit brawling transveshites with a metal folding chair. Tell your kidsh to quit being such needy dicksh. Don’t make tea out of the greenesht leavesh from a shmall willage of aboriginal monksh in a completely organic, but shadly war-torn indiginoush locale.
3. Like in that lasht shentensh don’t try to make shense. Who caresh if no one undershtands you? You hab the flu that could eat the lining of your brainsh and bake you inshane or incontinent. Just take the preshure off.
4. Lie around like a beached manatee. Guilt your hubshand into doing the dishes, the cooking, the back mashaging. Becaushe – little shecret here – your flu is worshe. All ebidence to the contrary. You birthed hish babiesh. That virile guy owesh you.
5. Shleep. You can alwaysh sleep more effectively if Daniel Craig shpoons you. Shigh.
Share your mosht effective flu rebedies. But under no cirucubstanshes can you shay you don’t hab the flu. If you don’t want to wake up with a sebered horse’s head under your coversh you hab got the flu!
Share and Enjoy