I’m getting a ton of sex stuff in my email from everywhere. I guess this is what happens when you start writing about sex on HuffPo. And I’m so unsexy these days. I’m writing a book, a screenplay, a blog, threats to Gwyneth Paltrow regarding her annoying awesomeness. This means I’m sitting on my butt for many hours every day. I am not actually living in my body. I am living in my cerebral cortex (what’s left of it). I participated in a scrimmage match with my daughter’s Girls Under 10 soccer team last night, remembering how I used to kick butt in soccer during those halcyon 3rd grade days of survival-of-the-fittest and death-to-the-weakest. But every time I tried to pivot on the field last night only my brain pivoted. My body just stood there, when it didn’t tip over into the mud. Sad.
So I was going to take a writing-about-sex-break, but then this little infographic came into my email box from the new social platform skinny scoop and I had to post it (this is not a sponsored post BTW – just a menschy one – which, considering my shiksa status – is really cool of me. Send brownie points to me care of The Bloggess).
I will render my answers to the questions posed in the female libido Infographic below:
1. My excuse to turn down sex:
I have a hair trigger temper that could explode your penis.
2. Would you rather have sex or get a massage?
Damn you! I’d take the massage UNLESS the sex includes blindfolding me and feeding me mysterious foods which should include whipped cream, chocolate and cuervo gold.
3. How often do you have sex?
How many grains of sand are on a beach? That’s all I’m saying.
4. How Would You Rate Your Sexual Satisfaction?
Flashes of Greatness interspersed with Torpidity. (It should be a word)
5. Are You More or Less Adventurous Now Or Before You Were Married
I can truthfully answer … now. Once you’ve had a c-section and your uterus has been outside of your body you really have very little inhibitions. (That just made all of you decide to never have sex again. I’m sorry.)
6. What Things Have You Tried To Spice It Up In The Bedroom?
7. How Frequently Do You Initiate Sex Out Of 10 Times?
Every time. Henry follows the Larry David philosophy. He doesn’t initiate because I should assume he always wants to. It doesn’t matter if he’s tired, angry, hungry, sad, preoccupied, suffering from a bowel obstruction, he always wants it. His very presence in a room is him initiating.
What are your answers? Thrill me! Chill me! Just don’t kill me!
Tips appreciated. You can simply put them in my virtual g-string via PayPal. However, comments and shares also make my day. And don’t forget to enlist in my reading boot camp in the action box below. You’ve gotta keep your laugh muscles in shape! xo S