Who Wants to Give The Skinny on the Female Libido?

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I’m getting a ton of sex stuff in my email from everywhere. I guess this is what happens when you start writing about sex on HuffPo. And I’m so unsexy these days. I’m writing a book, a screenplay, a blog, threats to Gwyneth Paltrow regarding her annoying awesomeness. This means I’m sitting on my butt for many hours every day. I am not actually living in my body. I am living in my cerebral cortex (what’s left of it). I participated in a scrimmage match with my daughter’s Girls Under 10 soccer team last night, remembering how I used to kick butt in soccer during those halcyon 3rd grade days of survival-of-the-fittest and death-to-the-weakest. But every time I tried to pivot on the field last night only my brain pivoted. My body just stood there, when it didn’t tip over into the mud. Sad.

So I was going to take a writing-about-sex-break, but then this little infographic came into my email box from the new social platform skinny scoop and I had to post it (this is not a sponsored post BTW – just a menschy one – which, considering my shiksa status – is really cool of me. Send brownie points to me care of The Bloggess).

I will render my answers to the questions posed in the female libido Infographic below:

1. My excuse to turn down sex:

I have a hair trigger temper that could explode your penis.

2. Would you rather have sex or get a massage?

Damn you! I’d take the massage UNLESS the sex includes blindfolding me and feeding me mysterious foods which should include whipped cream, chocolate and cuervo gold.

3. How often do you have sex?

How many grains of sand are on a beach? That’s all I’m saying.

4. How Would You Rate Your Sexual Satisfaction?

Flashes of Greatness interspersed with Torpidity. (It should be a word)

5. Are You More or Less Adventurous Now Or Before You Were Married

I can truthfully answer … now. Once you’ve had a c-section and your uterus has been outside of your body you really have very little inhibitions. (That just made all of you decide to never have sex again.  I’m sorry.)

6. What Things Have You Tried To Spice It Up In The Bedroom?

Ventriloquism.

7. How Frequently Do You Initiate Sex Out Of 10 Times?

Every time. Henry follows the Larry David philosophy. He doesn’t initiate because I should assume he always wants to. It doesn’t matter if he’s tired, angry, hungry, sad, preoccupied, suffering from a bowel obstruction, he always wants it. His very presence in a room is him initiating.

What are your answers? Thrill me! Chill me! Just don’t kill me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 comments

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  1. Sharon Greenthal (@sharongreenthal)
    Sharon Greenthal (@sharongreenthal) 16 November, 2012, 09:27

    My husband sort of takes the approach yours does. We are pretty happy with the way things are, though I’m sure my husband could always go for more. I’ll tell you what did help my sex drive was going off of anti-depressants. HUGE improvement.

    By the way if you ever get busy and need someone to pick up the slack on your Gwyneth Paltrow stuff, I’m your girl.

    Reply this comment
  2. The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful
    The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful 16 November, 2012, 11:46

    I’m just afraid that if I go off the anti-depressants I’ll start stalking Gwyneth again.

    Reply this comment
  3. Claire
    Claire 16 November, 2012, 13:12

    Ugh, you know what kills my sex drive? Being pregnant. :( Having sex now is just so darn uncomfortable! Can’t wait for this lil one to pop out of my vagina so things can go back to normal. Also, LOVE your answer for #7! I’ll have to share that with the bf. :)

    Reply this comment
  4. Meredith in SA
    Meredith in SA 16 November, 2012, 15:11

    I. Am. So. Tired. Every day. If Sam and I want to have sex, we have to do it mid-afternoon. By evening, we’re (OK, I’m) too worn out to make the effort. We are seldomly in the same zip code in the middle of the afternoon.

    I feel like when our twins get to be 3 or 4 we won’t be so strung out. They’ll be 2 December 7th. Maybe I need to give up some of my girl time and family obligations instead.

    Also, the Larry David philosophy is laziness masquerading as bullshit, tarted up in machismo’s fur stole. Besides, what is sexy about passivity?

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  5. Meredith in SA
    Meredith in SA 16 November, 2012, 15:14

    Almost forgot: I choose back massage, followed by great sex, followed by champagne and chocolate cake. No, lime chess pie! After my masseur/sex slave cleans everything up and leaves, I’m going to sleep for 24 hours while my husband takes care of the kids.

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  6. Lady Jennie
    Lady Jennie 20 November, 2012, 03:41

    My favorite was really great sex first, chocolate cake afterwards. Now we’re talkin! ;-)

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