My Adventures in Fat Freezing

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Writing my blog exposes where I am in my psychological evolution and fuckery on any given day. And writing at the speed of sound isn’t wise. But it’s the paradigm we, as bloggers, are given.

For instance I wrote all about deciding not to lose weight. I did a heartfelt video on loving your body now. I thought I’d permanently defeated the pervasive skullduggery of advertising’s war against women. Then I was sitting in my dermatologist’s office for a skin thing when she noticed I carry all my fat in my belly.

She said, “You carry all your fat in your belly.”

My cheeks flushed red. I wasn’t wrong, someone did notice my tummy. Then she mentioned I’d be a perfect candidate for cool sculpting, which, in laymen’s terms, is fat freezing.

Why are cat tummys so cute?

(BTW this isn’t a sponsored post — I paid to be frozen. When it happened my face looked exactly like Hans Solo’s when Darth Vader had him frozen in carbonite)

Before I knew it my little tummy became the focus for all my extra-curricular attention. When I wasn’t mulling all of the great issues of the day — Hurricane Sandy, the election, the possibility of getting a flesh-eating virus while ziplining through the jungles of Costa Rica – which I have no plans to do, but you never know — I was pondering my tummy.

I asked my tummy, “Why must you take all of my fat?  Can’t you spread it around more evenly, like, maybe, more boobs?” My tummy did not reply. She simply lounged zaftigly on her velvet divan (my pubic mound) and absorbed all the chocolate I’d allowed past my lips.

Cut to: Me — like an incarcerated former beauty queen turned grifter — pinioned into a reclining chair at the dermatologist’s office with a massive vacuum sucking device clamped around my tummy.  It. Freaking. Hurt. Ouch!!

It was like that scene in Prometheus (an admittedly bad film) where the oddly cheek-boned Noomi Rapace gives herself a cesarean with a machine to get the gestating alien out of her womb. I apologized to my tummy for accosting it in such an undignified way. But my vanity won out. What if this fat freezing thing works??

I’m almost three weeks out from having my tummy fat frozen and it looks exactly the same. Also, I can’t stop eating. I’m not sure what the psychology is behind this except to say that perhaps my tummy has organized a coup d’ etat with my ass and thighs and is borrowing their fat cells as hers die off, causing me to be extra hungry.

On a more serious note. Side effects. Extreme emotionality after the fat freezing. I was a wreck, tearful, and fraught with self-recrimination. Then two days later my tummy hurt like a gutshot Confederate soldier. Instead of screaming, “Save my tummy, save my tummmyyyyy!” I was screaming, “Just cut it off. For the love of God doc, cut it off!”

So as you can see, I’m a hero with clay feet.

Still trying to assess the difference between beauty maintenance and beauty baloney. It’s a fine line I walk, ladies and gents. But I’m happy to share it with you. Many of you will say — Get a life! To which I humbly ask … what part of your body do you obsess about I know you do, even if you are mad scientists bent upon ruling the world with your diabolical minions, there’s a wayward ear that troubles you, an ingrown toenail, a lazy eye. I want to know about it alllllll!

BTW, I’m still the same 140 lbs. I’ve been for the last six years. My body knows where it wants to be and it’s not interested in giving up wine or chocolate … or crusty bread. Shit. I’m hungry again.

P.S. An update. Does Coolsculpting work? The answer is yes. The fat in my stomach is notably diminished after three treatments. Yes, I admit it. Three. However, the other answer to does Coolsculpting work is no, because I’ve noticed a re-balancing of my fat in my inner thigh region. The truth is I don’t mind it. In fact, I think it’s kind of sexy, but ladies and gents, unless you diet that fat has got to go somewhere and it will absolutely find a new home.

Hope this is helpful to fellow Vaintresses.

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32 comments

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  1. alma
    alma 12 November, 2012, 09:42

    You made me laugh. Keep being you! Alma

    Reply this comment
  2. Morgan (The818)
    Morgan (The818) 12 November, 2012, 09:51

    Really it hurt? That sounds kind of brutal lady! I’ve been thinking I want to get botox. In all kinds of ways. But then I’m going to be compelled to blog about it. …And what will my mother-in-law say?

    Reply this comment
    • Yvonne Condes
      Yvonne Condes 12 November, 2012, 10:04

      What? You don’t have ONE wrinkle! I know because every time I see you I’m amazed by your perfect skin.

      Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 12 November, 2012, 14:42

      I wasn’t going to blog about the fat freezing. I didn’t want to burnish my Love Your Body Now halo, but then I realized I had to confess as that’s what I do here. The pain has stopped, but my stomach looks the same to me. It supposedly take 2 months. Will report back. I’ve tried Botox a time or two and felt like I looked like Spock. I prefer my expression lines. One battle won.

      Reply this comment
  3. Yvonne Condes
    Yvonne Condes 12 November, 2012, 10:02

    Wow!! I have been talking about having my fat frozen since that day I saw you. I can’t get rid of my belly and it pisses me off so much. But I love food!
    Sooo……not that I don’t feel for you and your physical pain, but what does your belly look like now???

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 12 November, 2012, 14:43

      Hi Yvonne – it looks the same, but it’s only been two and a half weeks and you’re not supposed to go back for after photos for two months. So in five-ish weeks ask me again.

      Reply this comment
  4. Sharon Greenthal
    Sharon Greenthal 12 November, 2012, 10:10

    I would do just about anything to rid myself of my belly – it has been the bane of my existence since childhood, and 2 babies/1 c-section didn’t help matters. Please update on your shrinking tummy!

    Reply this comment
  5. Jana Memel
    Jana Memel 12 November, 2012, 11:43

    I hate my neck wrinkles and sagging. I feel like a turkey.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 12 November, 2012, 14:44

      Things definitely want to return to earth on a body after 40. Just so long as it’s not 6 feet under I think we’re doing well.

      Reply this comment
  6. Rosie Carrillo
    Rosie Carrillo 12 November, 2012, 15:02

    Well past 65, I feel if you can breath deeply unassisted, see out of both eyes, and walk without limping or stand for a couple of hours…..you are nearly the picture of health!

    Reply this comment
  7. joanneinjax
    joanneinjax 12 November, 2012, 16:49

    You’re so, so funny. I needed a laugh today!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 12 November, 2012, 18:19

      I make myself laugh, which worries me. People in insane asylums crack themselves up.

      Reply this comment
  8. pattie
    pattie 12 November, 2012, 22:20

    I’ve totally been thinking about doing this – right after breast implants. I’m most insecure about my chest and I would love to fill out my shirts (heck – my bra!) at least a little more. Scratch that – A LOT more.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 13 November, 2012, 16:12

      I have a dear friend who had breast implants and loves them with a fiery passion and I must say they are quite gorgeous. I was initially skeptical, but boy, the older I get, the less I judge.

      Reply this comment
  9. Carol D
    Carol D 13 November, 2012, 15:26

    Well, I’m 53 tomorrow and I’ve been an exercise demon lately. I’ve been doing the “Insanity” workout, and it really is insane. The only thing that looks remotely toned is my arms and now it’s winter so I can’t really go around sleeveless! I hate my tummy too, but I’m still hopeful that diet and exercise will win the day. My best friend that I’ve had since the 5th grade, her daughter is getting married in December. That’s my motivation. Wish me luck!!!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 13 November, 2012, 16:14

      First of all congratulations on moving your body. I fantasize about taking ballroom dance lessons. I love dancing so much, but don’t find the time to do it in my life. I think it would be exercise that wouldn’t feel like exercise. Someday!

      Reply this comment
  10. Henry
    Henry 14 November, 2012, 15:53

    I pity the fool who marries you.

    Reply this comment
  11. Henry
    Henry 14 November, 2012, 15:54

    Plus, you forgot to mention that you paid for it.

    Reply this comment
  12. Shannon
    Shannon Author 15 November, 2012, 14:29

    Oh Henry, only a man with a great deal of maturity, patience, fortitude and sense of humor can handle me. Also, I’m roasting a leg of lamb for dinner!

    Reply this comment
  13. Claire
    Claire 16 November, 2012, 04:34

    I can relate to the body image struggle, and I like your honesty! However, I know from my experience that even when I lost almost 30 lbs, when I looked in the mirror I saw the same person as before. Just goes to show that yes, there is a definite fine line between doing what you need to do to be a healthy human being (ie exorcize, variety of foods, etc) and accepting that ultimately, our bodies know whats best for us! I don’t love my body everyday, and some days are worse than others. But, when I get down to the bottom line, no amount of surgery or botox would make me absolutely love my body, I would always find something to be disappointed with.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 16 November, 2012, 08:59

      Hi Claire — you are so right. I’m now going on week four post fat freeze and I look exactly the same. There was a great slideshow on HuffPo the other day of women who are fighting body image issues by being very frank about their bodies. One of them was Lena Dunham of “Girls” and she was asked why she’s naked so much in the series. And she said she felt there weren’t any bodies on tv she could relate to, so she’s offering us hers. I loved that so much, it’s generous and beautiful.

      Reply this comment
  14. Claire
    Claire 16 November, 2012, 04:48

    That being said, I’m all for women doing what makes them feel beautiful (within reason, of course)! For me, that means having a positive relationship with food, and also basing my happiness off of my inner self, not others opinions or comments towards me. If I did that, I would resort back to unhealthy behaviors (eating disorder). But to each their own :)

    Reply this comment
  15. Caryl
    Caryl 16 November, 2012, 18:27

    Seriously, if I want to look slimmer, I slap on some control top panty hose or a pair of spanx. When I can get those f*#@^&s to fit. My friend and I were just talking about this today, how we just let all our junk hang out. I think her 17-year-old gagged a little in the back seat.

    Caryl

    Reply this comment
  16. Mo
    Mo 14 November, 2013, 19:44

    Any updates on the frozen fat? Would you recommend it? Did you see any improvement?

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 15 November, 2013, 11:55

      Hi Mo — I would recommend it for someone who is in a healthy weight range but who has some stubborn small fat deposits. Otherwise I’d say diet and exercise. xo

      Reply this comment
  17. Anni
    Anni 27 November, 2014, 09:45

    So? Its been 2 years now, did the fat freezing work? or did the fat just relocate? Would you recommend people doing it?

    Reply this comment

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