October 22nd, 2012
Bridget came home the other day and said, “Mommy I love third grade.” What luck! Thought I. She must love her teacher, unlike me with cross-eyed Miss Henzi who yelled, but you could never tell who she was yelling at. Or or or maybe Bridget’s cheated her genetics and triple digit multiplication is no problem for her! Or the Pleistocene period at the La Brea Tar Pits speaks to her; the museum field trip that brought saber-tooth cats alive!
Shannon: Why do you love third grade so much, honey?
Bridget: Because now my friends are old enough to know all the stuff you told me inappropriately when I was too young. Like about sex and what all the bad words are in English and other languages.
Shannon: Our neighbor Andre’s the one who taught you “shit” in French, not me!
Bridget: True, but you did teach me the C-word in Spanish!
Shannon: Nunca! Nunca lo hice. I never did that! What C-word are we talking about?
Shannon: Gracias a Dios!
Bridget: Also you told Clare and me the neighbors were selling marijuana.
Shannon: Well, how was I supposed to know the DEA was going to descend on their house during broad daylight? Besides I used that as a teaching moment about drugs.
Bridget: Yes, they land you in prison, make you stupid and give you unwanted pregnancies.
Shannon: I never said anything about unwanted pregnancies!
Bridget: Yes you did. They mentioned it on Modern Family and you used it as a teaching moment.
Shannon: That’s only because my mom let me watch Summer of ’42 at your age and well into peri-menopause I thought a condom was a water balloon.
Bridget: What’s a condom?
Shannon: Oh no you don’t, you are not tricking me into telling you something before you should know it anymore!! I’m getting too much of a reputation in the neighborhood. Which is what will happen to you if you need a condom before you’re married!
Bridget: And I almost forgot about you over-explaining what happened between Jedediah Smith and Amelia Earhart in Night at the Museum 2.
Shannon: How was I supposed to know you’d honk the ample Miss Shannon’s breasts in pre-school and shout, “I just got to second baaaasseee!”
Silence. A giggle. The giggles multiply. We’re cracking up. I won’t win mommy of the year. But we laugh a lot. I love you my precocious sidekick.
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