October 17th, 2012
I got into blogging to make a living. Okay … yeah, yeah … okay, are you done laughing yet? … not yet? … okay, I’ll wait … listen, stop laughing right now or I swear I’m gonna … Thank you.
So to make a living, ostensibly as a writer/blogger, I got on the social media treadmill. Here is what I determined you need to do for:
1. You need a Facebook Fan Page: Then you need to post on your fan page. And if anyone responds, then you have to respond right back, preferably instantaneously.
You have to ENGAGE your audience.
So you might have to sit there and wait until someone responds so you can pounce! and answer them back, then you have to wait some more to be ready in case they respond again! This can go on for Time and All Eternity.
2. Simultaneously you must Create A Newsletter: Then you have to write new and different stuff on your newsletter, which makes your life seem really full and rich and multi-faceted and as if you’re hot shit.
3. Trimultaneously (I just made up that word) you have to open a Twitter Account: Here you must tweet about the life you are not actually living because you are too busy tweeting.
And you will worry you might not be tweeting the right people, or maybe you might miss when someone mentions, or retweets or tweets you and they’ll think you’re a stuck up asshole and you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings because for all you know they’re hanging by a thread since no one has liked their fan page or even ever clicked through on their newsletter. And maybe they can’t stop tweeting and have developed carpel tunnel syndrome in their thumbs and it’s travelled to their brains and killed them.
(Briefly you think about creatures who actually. really tweet, but you can’t remember what they are .. you know they fly … and are outside … whatever that is …)
4. Next you must Instagram all the things you’re only doing so you can Instagram them, while you are also Spotifying, You Tubing, having Google Plus hangouts, Pinterest board orgies and Blood-Of-Satan slumber parties (the last one might be the most important).
SIDE EFFECTS TO TRYING TO MAKE MONEY FROM YOUR BLOG
1. Addiction and Disorientation: Whenever you’re not social networking and are living IRL (“in real life” for those of you non-social networking bozos, because I’m cool and know all acronyms – better known as A to the C Nyms) … as I said, whenever you’re not social networking and are living IRL, you feel slightly dazed and fuzzy, there’s a low hum in your brain like that one out in Taos, which might be caused by extra-terrestrials.
2. Feeling like a hamster on a wheel: Because with social networking you can never catch up. Your inbox is always full even when it’s not full, because if it’s not full you should be tweeting and pinning and posting and pinging and poking and liking and commenting and trolling and sychophanting ALL THE FREAKING TIME to get it full.
3. Analytics obsession: If your analytics are good, you worry those fickle motherfuckers will plummet. When they inevitably do plummet, you become despondent and self-castrating. ”Go ahead, you unpopular loser — eat that third Haagen Daz crunch bar, what have you got to lose?”
“Oh, sure you had 802 Twitter followers, but then you just had to post your support for gay ocelots and you alienated the religious right! You had six newsletter subscribers jump ship when you wrote about colon polyps. Would they have treated Katie Couric that way? One of your Facebook fan page fans left? Where did they go? Whose page did they Like in your stead? You suck!”
4. Your dick is bigger than my dick syndrome: You will start trolling other bloggers’ analytics.
Oh, yes, you will.
You’ll get right down into the muckety muck of the bottom dwellers.
If other bloggers’ analytics aren’t as good as yours, you’ll feel elated and think, “I just passed that bitch up! Ahahahahahahaha.” If your analytics are worse than theirs you’ll think, “Well if I did giveaways my analytics would be better too!” And you’ll feel superior to bloggers who do giveaways. You’ll think you have more integrity. Then you’ll start trolling Etsy to see who will let you do their giveaway. If you can’t find anyone who will let you do their giveaway you’ll fall prey to the next symptom…
5. Exploit yourself, your family and friends to get better analytics. Oh yes, the professional blogger does have a whiff of the whore about her and you’re no better. Remember these little chestnuts??
(There you go again, sneakily exploiting them – who cares if they gave their permission – you bribed them with grandkids, light sabers and sex)
WHAT YOU CAN DO NOT TO BECOME AN INSANE BLOGGING/SOCIAL NETWORKING ASSHOLE
1. Don’t try to make money on your blog. Screw that. You need money so…
2. Set specific times for social networking and keep the rest of the day and night free. Schedule SN like a business meeting.
3. Only respond and comment on posts and pages and tweeters and hashtaggers that you really like.
4. Only check analytics once a week and don’t ever, under any circumstances, check anyone else’s.
5. Do not blog or social network during dedicated family time. For me, breakfast, dinner, bedtime.
6. Set a number to the amount of photos you need to take in a day. Or the specific event/time you need to take your photos. Then put your camera away and see your life.
7. Stop blogging when your mate goes to bed 4 x a week. Get in bed with your mate. Get naked and put your bodies together. Sex is not required, but actual flesh on flesh will reconnect you with your spouse/partner/papi chulo and bring you out of your head and back into your body.
That’s all I got. How do you keep social media manageable in your life?? And if we’re being perfectly blunt – how do you make money as a blogger?? I’d really love to crack that nut without going nuts.
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