How to Kick Writer’s Block (s) Hairy Butt!

It’s Monday, in case you didn’t notice.

I’m sitting here looking at this empty white page.

It mocks me. “What do you have to say now, bitch?” 

Also, “Did you know that book you’re working on is trite crapola?”

Also, “You ate pancakes for breakfast. Again. With syrup. Then you ate Bridget’s too. Let’s just face it, you can’t give up white flour, you weak-kneed slattern. You’re always going to have that little bagel on your belly, because you have no self-control.”

I’m fairly certain this empty page is saying other negative stuff too, but I can’t hear it because I’m drowning it out with my swift typing fingers.

TAKE THAT you churlish white page.

Oh, oh, what are you gonna do now? I’m filling you with the words of my choosing. How about this?

“I went to the gym yesterday and broke a sweat. My biceps are hard as a rock! They can take you down to China Town!”

Or, or, or what about this?

“I made a really heartfelt speech about my friend who’s moving to Chicago in front of like 20 people and I didn’t even use the word ‘fucking’ once!”

And then there’s these:

• “I read books with my kids this weekend.
• “I gave a friend a sympathetic ear.
• “I hosted two sleepovers at my house and cleaned everything up after even though I was having a peri-menopausal hot flash.
• “I didn’t lose my temper once.
• “I gave myself a pedicure instead of paying 20$ for one.
• “I wasn’t on the computer too much,”

Oh, and the list goes on white page. It goes on and on!

Here is my mantra for that redundant buzz kill Monday. In the words of Gandalf the Gray in my favorite movie Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers;

“From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth, until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.”

Carpe diem, motherf%$!ers!