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I Always Think Beautiful Women Are Bitches
August 8th, 2012
Just got back from the BlogHer conference in New York where I roomed with one woman I didn’t know at all, one I’d fallen in love with online and one who I met briefly at the conference last year who gave me the cold shoulder.
Four women, two beds. I was worried.
Would I be able to sleep with a stranger since I hadn’t done that since 1998?? (thank you Henry) Would I have enough time to do what I needed to do in the bathroom? (thanks IBS) and would the beautiful one who gave me the cold shoulder be a bitch (thanks fate)?
I generally don’t trust beautiful women. Especially quiet beautiful women. What are they thinking? Are they thinking, “Why is this leper speaking to me?” or “”I only talk to people who are equally beautiful. Go away!” or “Perhaps I’ll allow this plebeian to lick my Jimmy Choos.”
Here she is, beautiful, fertile and loved!
And good Lord what if I had to share a bed with her? Would she erect a pillow barrier between us for fear my feet might molest hers? Also, she would find out I… poop. I’m sure she doesn’t poop. Or if she does she poops delicate white roses.
So Thursday night after 6 hours in the air and one hour in the subway I arrive at room 3541 in the New York Hilton and stumbled in upon my new roomies. There was that beauty (and here I should mention my other two roommates were beautiful too – wth??) just as long and lean and exotically beautiful as the year before, but something happened when I walked into the room. She smiled an authentic smile that reached her eyes and said, “Hello!”
Over the course of three days I came to realize this beautiful, funny, smart, interesting woman didn’t give me the cold shoulder last year, SHE’S JUST SHY. Who knew?
We bonded over feeling shy at all the BlogHer parties (I hide my shyness by being indiscriminately friendly — i.e. giving ax murderers my home address — and inappropriate — i.e. asking one woman if she was another woman’s mother, then finding out she was actually a year younger than the woman I thought was her daughter. Yes. I’m an asshole.)
Also the gorgeous one had some bad luck while we were at the conference. Her computer crashed, her husband sent a photo of their decimated dining room table (still a mystery) and all of her cool free swag weighed so much she was going to have to pay $100 to get it home. While I would never wish annoying things to happen to beautiful women, it does somehow make them more endearing.
So this ravishing beauty has a hard time socializing in big groups which leads me to declare to all of you beautiful, shy women who don’t feel comfortable socializing in groups I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt from now on and try not to hate you because you’re beautiful. Also, as Taro Gumi taught me and my children, Everybody Poops. xo xo
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Jenni is one of my favorite people on the planet and one of the most down to earth, big hearted beautiful women on the blogging planet. I am so jealous of you. Her and I have been online friends forever ( 3 years:) but I have never made it to a conference and we have yet to heart hug. The really awesome thing about Jenni is that she is not only gorgeous on the outside, she is genuinely breath taking on the inside:) SO glad you two beautiful souls got the opportunity to know one another.
I was very lucky with all my roomies. I stayed an extra night after they left and felt so lonely. Meeting Jenni reminded me to quit thinking everything is about me. I couldn’t believe such a knockout could be shy.
As I was reading that first paragraph, I was all “please let me not be the one who gave her the cold shoulder… please let it not be me.”
It’s true, I take no prisoners on the internet, but in real life am no longer capable of social interaction.
You were an awesome roommate.
I also had a panic attack while you weren’t there and Jennie had to give me French drugs. Then I almost died in the cab ride to the airport. You totally love me even more now, don’t you?
xoxo
I adore you. I think my favorite memory of you is your Homeric struggle to fit all that swag in your suitcase. I hope we get to room again next year. OX
I loved meeting you. And you’re not a bitch and you are beautiful – what’s up with that?
Hi Megan — it was wonderful meeting you too! And I thank you for not thinking I’m a bitch. Xo
Most of the time us beauties are just shy. That’s all ;P
I have learned my lesson. If I meet you I will assume you just need to be drawn out. Xo
great thing about the web.. i clicked on the link to your room mates blog and the death cab blog was frickin hilarious. thanks so much, i have added her to my favorite blogs list..strange cities. went to Boston and got lost in the bad part of the city, rolled my window down at a bus stop and asked for directions to the freeway and bridge and was told by a very large person it would cost 20 dollars, I said 20 dollars for directions to the freeway? he said ” no 20 dollars for directions to a safer neighborhood!” yikes roll em up go go go…gotta love it..
Hi Joe — the beauty is freaking hilarious. She’s on my blogroll too.
We did have a roomful of beautiful gals – not formerly beautiful. Just beautiful.
Well as you know I couldn’t leave you alone in bed. Xo
I am so happy we had our time at breakfast together. You are as worry and issue free as they come, beautiful one.
We all love your stories. I wish that whenI first saw you I wasn’t in the middle of my huge crisis eff up very important meeting screw up so that I could’ve smiled properly and hugged you appropriately.
Beautiful Lady in France got me all forgiven out of my mess with emails and sending tweets out for me.
I have no lap top, I have no smartphone: Goutet did it all. I was absolved.
But what a way to start a conference.
Did you enjoy your day alone, I know you did.
And really? Zero bathroom problems, None for me…all was well and we got to sit at breakfast together.
Did you have a good time??????????? Did you just LOVE meeting Anne Flournoy from the Louise Log?
So many cool women in the world.
For me, it’s not the beautiful ones that scare me…it’s those in their impenetrable cliques that circle the wagons and bugle the horn and shout INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! AN UKNOWN APPROACHES!
Those women? Scare the bejeebies out of me.
Beauty? I drink in.
Goutet with her beautiful spirit.
Jenni with her innocent nature.
You, with your transparent sharing.
I LOVED all three of you and we would make the best sister wives.
xo
Chicago? Next Year???
I’m in for Chicago! And you were perfect. Xo
ALSO: I think everyone needs to give everyone grace at these conferences.
there was someone there who wanted to meet me, had asked several times , when I met her, she barely smiled.
I say it must have been the huge crowd.
Because she is a darling online. I’m sticking with that.
I agree. These conferences are fraught. We’re all trying to learn, be social, make connections. Too easy to misinterpret. I had my best conference yet bc of my roomies. You all got me out of my shell. I do feel awkward otherwise.
I’ve roomed with beautiful people before and I SWEAR they don’t poop. Or fart. Or burp….but, if and when they do finally prove themselves to be human, they’re like so endearing because of it. Like when a baby farts and everyone just giggles cause it’s so cute. I guess beautiful women have mastered that skill.
I could never share a bed with a stranger, no matter how beautiful she was. That’s why I was anti-social and stayed in a room by myself.
I wish we’d met at Blogher…you seem like a very entertaining person, and I enjoy being entertained. Maybe next year!
Fingers crossed.
You’re truly funny, but since I’m gorgeous i might be a bitch to you, LOL!!
I knew it!
Sounds like a fantastc time. Quite envious of all the fun you had!!!
Hopefully one year I will get there (other than the little tidbits I was able to get to in SD last year).
Next year is Chicago. I’m saving my pennies now!
So sad we didn’t get to meet at blogher, maybe another time.
Me too! Next year we’ll do it, or hopefully sooner.
BlogHer sure is more emotionally fraught than the conferences I go to.
Oh you are fantastically insecure, you beautiful woman, you!
It’s one of my more endearing qualities. The cannibalism not so much.
Oh, my dear girl. Have I mentioned that I have fallen in lady-love with you? xxoo