Battle of the Narcissists
I slump next to Fred, who is 5, on a couch at his mom’s birthday party.
Me: I can’t believe your mom is 47 because that means I’m almost 47.
Fred: Do you like Star Wars or The Clone Wars better?
Me: … because I was just 18 yesterday with no sags or wrinkles…
Fred:… because Ahsoka’s boring and she’s a girl.
Me: … and then you wonder about the path least taken, could I have been a podiatrist? I’ll never know…
Fred: … all the good guys are boring except Anakin cuz he ends up on the Dark Side.
Fred pulls his black beanie over his face. Makes Darth Vader BREATHING NOISES. Chee-hooo, cheee-hoooo.
Me: … should I have taken that personal assistant job to Woody Harrelson when I had the chance? … because he might’ve got me acting work … or he might’ve just got me addicted to hemp and Oscillococcinum …
Fred: (pulling up his beanie) Do Wookies poop?
Me: … of course your mom is three months older than me, I’ll always be just a little bit younger …
Fred: … because they have so much fur on their butts and the poop’d get stuck …
Me: … in 1983 I thought of taking up synchronized swimming …
Fred: (makes Wookie Howl)
Me: … it’s too late for that now … too much leg kicking and my knees are shot … although extra fat does make you buoyant …
Fred: I’m going to destroy you!
Me: Ow! Why did you poke me with your truck?
Fred: It’s my lightsaber! Pshew, pshew! Pshew, pshew, pshew!
Me: Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?
Fred: I’m Darth Maul.
Me: Oh you’re so cute! I’ll never have a son … because I’m too old!
Fred: Ack. Ack. Stop kissing my cheeks!
Me: Oh, I want to eat those cheeks, give me those cheeks!
Me: Oh sure, right! Go ahead and run to your mommy! Because it’s all about you, isn’t it? You’re just one of those kindergarten narcissists! What about me? Don’t my needs count? What about meeeeee???
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- My Adventures in Fat Freezing
- When Your Daughter Hits Below The Belt
- Why I Think Woody Allen Is Guilty of Molesting his Daughter Dylan, and Why Mia Farrow Isn’t Blameless
- What Happened When I Forced my Daughter into the Ocean aka Bad Parenting