I slump next to Fred, who is 5, on a couch at his mom’s birthday party.
Me: I can’t believe your mom is 47 because that means I’m almost 47.
Fred: Do you like Star Wars or The Clone Wars better?
Me: … because I was just 18 yesterday with no sags or wrinkles…
Fred:… because Ahsoka’s boring and she’s a girl.
Me: … and then you wonder about the path least taken, could I have been a podiatrist? I’ll never know…
Fred: … all the good guys are boring except Anakin cuz he ends up on the Dark Side.
Fred pulls his black beanie over his face. Makes Darth Vader BREATHING NOISES. Chee-hooo, cheee-hoooo.
Me: … should I have taken that personal assistant job to Woody Harrelson when I had the chance? … because he might’ve got me acting work … or he might’ve just got me addicted to hemp and Oscillococcinum …
Fred: (pulling up his beanie) Do Wookies poop?
Me: … of course your mom is three months older than me, I’ll always be just a little bit younger …
Fred: … because they have so much fur on their butts and the poop’d get stuck …
Me: … in 1983 I thought of taking up synchronized swimming …
Fred: (makes Wookie Howl)
Me: … it’s too late for that now … too much leg kicking and my knees are shot … although extra fat does make you buoyant …
Fred: I’m going to destroy you!
Me: Ow! Why did you poke me with your truck?
Fred: It’s my lightsaber! Pshew, pshew! Pshew, pshew, pshew!
Me: Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?
Fred: I’m Darth Maul.
Me: Oh you’re so cute! I’ll never have a son … because I’m too old!
Fred: Ack. Ack. Stop kissing my cheeks!
Me: Oh, I want to eat those cheeks, give me those cheeks!
Me: Oh sure, right! Go ahead and run to your mommy! Because it’s all about you, isn’t it? You’re just one of those kindergarten narcissists! What about me? Don’t my needs count? What about meeeeee???
Tips appreciated. You can simply put them in my virtual g-string via PayPal. However, comments and shares also make my day. And don’t forget to enlist in my reading boot camp in the action box below. You’ve gotta keep your laugh muscles in shape! xo S