“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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Battle of the Narcissists

I slump next to Fred, who is 5, on a couch at his mom’s birthday party.

Me: I can’t believe your mom is 47 because that means I’m almost 47.

Fred: Do you like Star Wars or The Clone Wars better?

Me: … because I was just 18 yesterday with no sags or wrinkles…

Fred:… because Ahsoka’s boring and she’s a girl.

Me: … and then you wonder about the path least taken, could I have been a podiatrist?  I’ll never know…

Fred: … all the good guys are boring except Anakin cuz he ends up on the Dark Side.

Fred pulls his black beanie over his face. Makes Darth Vader BREATHING NOISES. Chee-hooo, cheee-hoooo.

Me: … should I have taken that personal assistant job to Woody Harrelson when I had the chance? … because he might’ve got me acting work … or he might’ve just got me addicted to hemp and Oscillococcinum …

Fred: (pulling up his beanie) Do Wookies poop?

Me: … of course your mom is three months older than me, I’ll always be just a little bit younger …

Fred: … because they have so much fur on their butts and the poop’d get stuck …

Me: … in 1983 I thought of taking up synchronized swimming …

Fred: (makes Wookie Howl)

Me: … it’s too late for that now … too much leg kicking and my knees are shot … although extra fat does make you buoyant …

Fred:  I’m going to destroy you!

Me: Ow! Why did you poke me with your truck?

Fred: It’s my lightsaber! Pshew, pshew! Pshew, pshew, pshew!

Me: Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?

Fred: I’m Darth Maul.

Me: Oh you’re so cute! I’ll never have a son … because I’m too old!

Fred: Ack. Ack. Stop kissing my cheeks!

Me: Oh, I want to eat those cheeks, give me those cheeks!

Fred: Mommyyyyyy!

Me: Oh sure, right! Go ahead and run to your mommy! Because it’s all about you, isn’t it? You’re just one of those kindergarten narcissists! What about me? Don’t my needs count? What about meeeeee???


Write a comment
  1. Jeannine
    Jeannine 28 March, 2012, 11:00

    been there… very funny!

    Reply this comment
  2. Shelby Barone
    Shelby Barone 28 March, 2012, 11:20

    LOL!! He’ll be running to Mommy even when he is 47. 🙂

    Reply this comment
  3. Jennifer
    Jennifer 28 March, 2012, 11:28

    I could *totally* have spent the afternoon debating the various merits of Star Wars and that awful Clone Wars Lucas money-grab with that boy. Where was he at the last birthday party I went to? I had to listen to moms natter on about botox and some kin of gross smile line filler-inner-thing.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 28 March, 2012, 11:36

      Ah yes, the dreaded nasal labial fold filler. I’ve been using it to lubricate the lady garden. Just had to push it, didn’t I?

      Reply this comment
  4. Ericka
    Ericka 28 March, 2012, 12:32

    Very cute! 😀

    Reply this comment
  5. Jamie
    Jamie 28 March, 2012, 14:29

    Well, I’m 48 and I recently bought v expense patches and creams for the lady garden and everything else that is in need of care. I’m now debating whether to cute my hair. Maybe that will take me back down to 43 or so.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 28 March, 2012, 21:19

      Jamie — I’ll be calling you next year to find out the name of them there creams.

      Reply this comment
  6. Jamie
    Jamie 28 March, 2012, 20:29

    Fred needs to get over himself.


    And I’m glad you didn’t take that job with Woody Harrelson. He gives me the heebie jeebies!

    Reply this comment
  7. Lori C.
    Lori C. 28 March, 2012, 21:34

    You’re supposed to stop counting after 40, right? 🙂

    Reply this comment
  8. Wendy
    Wendy 28 March, 2012, 21:40

    best line ever: “or he might’ve just got me addicted to hemp and Oscillococcinum…”

    Reply this comment
  9. Florinda
    Florinda 28 March, 2012, 21:59

    NOW I understand that question you asked me! It’s all Fred’s fault…

    (And I’m almost DONE being 47. I’m leaving this comment two hours before my 48th birthday.)

    Reply this comment
  10. Ana Flores
    Ana Flores 28 March, 2012, 22:19

    That was it? I want more!

    Reply this comment
  11. Julie Ordonez
    Julie Ordonez 29 March, 2012, 10:35

    Too funny. How interesting that as we get older we actually get closer to reverting back to our 5 year old selves. 🙂

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 29 March, 2012, 11:11

      As my grandpa Rusty said just before he passes away (he was an old cowboy), “We’re born in diapers and we die in diapers.” That man could make you laugh no matter what was happening.

      Reply this comment
  12. Tanya Doyle
    Tanya Doyle 29 March, 2012, 18:43

    I don’t know which is sadder…that I have had the same thoughts as you or that I have had the same thoughts as him.

    I’m new to this game and just found you on aiminglow. So glad I did!

    Reply this comment
  13. Caryn
    Caryn 29 March, 2012, 20:58

    I used to be a camp counselor and taught preschoolers and oh the conversations I’ve had with them haha

    Reply this comment
  14. Jadzia@Toddlerisms
    Jadzia@Toddlerisms 30 March, 2012, 03:41

    HAHAHAHAHA. I often feel like, in a roomful of kids, I am basically Talking To Myself.

    Reply this comment
  15. NBK
    NBK 30 March, 2012, 23:30

    so funny! love you posting it!

    Reply this comment
  16. kat
    kat 3 April, 2012, 21:28

    I see my future! 🙂

    Reply this comment

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