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Katie Holmes: Her Desperate Plea to Stay-At-Home Mom!

Katie Holmes desperate

photo courtesy of Entertainmentwise.com

(Note: This post is back by popular demand)

The problem with being a mom in L.A. is that we’re celebrity magnets. Stars — who spend their lives jetting to location on the Seychelles where they down copious amounts of Cristal Brut “Methuselah” and Magic Mushrooms while having meaningless (albeit it mind-blowing) sex with fellow ridiculously gorgeous celebrities after stripping off bespoke Armani shirts and five-inch Jimmy Choos — are miserable. They’re desperate for something real. They wish their lives weren’t so shallowly glamorous. They wish every day could be the same over and over again like ours:

Shake resentful kids awake, ask them to brush their teeth 12 times, smell their breath to see if they brushed their teeth just once, make lunches you doubt they’ll eat, drop them at school where they’ll no longer let you hug them goodbye, go home, empty kitty litter box, unclog a toilet, stare at breasts in bathroom mirror and wonder when one decided to go east and the other west, make all the beds, find food-like substance in two of the beds, eat the food-like substance, go to Ralphs, Trader Joes, Smart-and-Final.

Wish you could go to Madame Woo’s Mystery Massage on Pico but they only cater to men, do a bunch of stuff you forget you did the second after you did it, pick the kids (who are grumpy because they didn’t eat lunch) up from school, shuttle them places where there’s stuff to do with musical instruments or some variety of ball, go home, nuke dinner, harangue about homework until the keening sound of your voice makes you want to perform a self-larengectomy, read crappy “Star Wars” books aloud, find Waldo, wrestle the kids to bed, go to your own bed where you’re too tired to have sex with your husband even if you were on Magic Mushrooms, sleep with a bite guard.

This is the powerful, character-building stuff that celebrities crave.

Case in point. Last week after rolling my kids out of the minivan at school I took refuge in the Urth Cafe on Beverly Drive. I was just about to enjoy a sugary, caffeinated drink derived from a chai-type bush, when I found myself put upon by Katie Holmes. I was forced to sit right next to her.  It wasn’t my fault, there were no other open seats.

I struck an aloof demeanor.

Still, I could sense that Katie desperately wanted to speak to me. She was in the clutches of some frowzy woman who was probably a Scientology stooge ready to taze the starlet should she have any independent thought and Katie seemed desperately lonely.

More than once she shifted closer to me in her seat … (or was maybe picking a wedgie out of her bum). As I gazed upon her beautiful face I thought … how happy I am to be an anonymous nobody that no designer will ever try to force into one of their ostentatious creations. How happy I am to never be tempted by the likes of her former leading men – Timothy too-ruggedly-handsome Olyphant , steel-jawed Aaron Eckhart or that insipid Joshua Jackson with the dimples and swaggah.

Then, as if one needy celebrity weren’t enough, in walks Taylor Lautner.

He sits at the table right in front of me with a fawning friend. He’s in my space. He’s a Close Sitter. He doesn’t seem to realize I’m Team Edward. Nor does he seem to realize I’m old enough to be his mother as evidenced by him swiveling around in his chair to let his eyes roam over my Westwood Charter Halloween Hoot t-shirt (or maybe to see where the bathrooms are).

I can’t seem to help overhearing his conversation with The Fawner.  “… so she broke up with him again last week …” Taylor says.

(Who?  Kristen Stewart with Robert Pattinson? What does he see in the little mope anyway?)

“… I mean, it’s just so high school …”

(What? All the drama on the press tour for Breaking Dawn 2?).

“… and now she’ll do anything to get him back …”

(Get pregnant? Take too many Percoset? Have a sixsome?).

I have an undeniable urge. “Excuse me,” I say to Taylor (also known to me as Tay-dawg) “Would you mind watching my computer while I pee?”

He feigns annoyance to hide the crush he has on me, a woman old enough to be his … slightly older babysitter. Even so, he watches my computer as though his life depended on it, not leaving until I try to speak to him again to give my thanks. Darting away, no doubt, to quell his passions.

I’ve found that no place is sacred to these celebrity stalkers. I was accosted by Chris Rock’s wife while we were sitting with our babies under the rainbow parachute at Gymboree. She wanted advice on how to transition her baby from bottle to sippy. The nerve.

Then there was Michael Douglas nodding at me as our children played near each other at Cold Water Canyon Park.  Couldn’t he respect my privacy? Was I supposed to nod back?

And don’t even get me started on that infernal Kate Beckinsale a few years back at Bright Child indoor play gym. Her 7-year old daughter Lilly kept picking up my then 8-month old Clare and kissing and hugging her. “You have a beautiful daughter,” Kate gushed in that cloying British accent. “Just leave us alone!” I shrieked, trying to break her camera.

I have to remember all the reasons I love living in L.A.  The sunshine, the beaches, the mountains, the night-blooming jasmine perfuming the air in spring.  I can’t let the celebrities ruin it all for me with their intrusiveness.

Oh crap, here comes Rene Zellweger right now. She frequents this Starbucks and is forever apologizing if she thinks she cut in front of you in line. This whole “nice celebrity” routine is just a ruse to be invited back to my house for a glass of Two Buck Chuck and some corn dogs. She wants a taste of the good life. I don’t think she’s seen me yet. Gotta go into stealth mode. Will contact you from a safe house.



29 comments

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  1. Christina Simon
    Christina Simon 15 February, 2012, 11:53

    Laugh-out-loud funny! I don’t know what to think about Katie Holmes, except that she’s miserable. I see celebrities too and most of the time they don’t look like they do in photos, except Kate Bekinsdale who has on a full face of make up at the ice rink each week.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 15 February, 2012, 14:14

      I ran into Kate Beckinsale too! I must say it wasn’t great for my self-esteem. She’s gorgeous.

      Reply this comment
  2. Desiree Eaglin
    Desiree Eaglin 15 February, 2012, 13:50

    This post just made my day. This is all kind of celebrity funny. I would die to live near you and rub elbow’s with the “famous”. All I run into are bums and creeps.

    Reply this comment
  3. Ciaran
    Ciaran 15 February, 2012, 14:27

    Oh Shannon. I think I love you.

    Reply this comment
  4. Jamie
    Jamie 15 February, 2012, 14:34

    OMG I’m dying!……It’s so true…except Oprah and Dolly Parton- the only wants I want around.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 15 February, 2012, 15:53

      I would like to hold one of Dolly’s bras in my hand. It would be like spotting the last wild Malamute in the Wakanobe forest.

      Reply this comment
  5. Jamie
    Jamie 15 February, 2012, 14:34

    Yep, wouldn’t be a comment of mine on here without a typo. *ones not wants

    Reply this comment
  6. jill simonian
    jill simonian 15 February, 2012, 14:53

    I needed this today! Can’t stop laughing. Except next time, maybe tell Taylor Lautner that you needed to take a DUMP (instead of pee) just to really stick it to him?? 🙂

    Reply this comment
  7. Tharin Wendell
    Tharin Wendell 15 February, 2012, 16:20

    Instant Classic!

    Reply this comment
  8. Yolanda
    Yolanda 15 February, 2012, 17:11

    Ah, gotta love L.A!

    Reply this comment
  9. The Sweetest
    The Sweetest 15 February, 2012, 19:49

    I’ll second Dolly- she’s the only celebrity I’ve have seen in LA who I actually recognized right away. If you move to the 818 you’ll never have to deal with “those” people.

    Reply this comment
  10. Caryn B
    Caryn B 16 February, 2012, 08:48

    Hilarious….but it’s LA! And yes…Katie was so vibrant on Dawson’s Creek : ( Wonder if she’s ok….

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 16 February, 2012, 10:22

      I do worry about Katie. I think we may need to break her out of Scientology hell.

      Reply this comment
  11. Vanessa
    Vanessa 16 February, 2012, 11:36

    I totally agree. I have seen katie holmes too and she looks like she’s aged a million years. I think it’s the scientology.

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 16 February, 2012, 13:18

      Maybe they’re slipping her mind-altering meds? Or…it could be that plot from The Stepford Wives! Run, Katie, ruuuuuuun!

      Reply this comment
  12. gina
    gina 4 March, 2012, 11:54

    This is the second post of yours that I’ve ever read. I am so coming back. You’ve added something to my day!

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 4 March, 2012, 16:17

      I hope you do come back. Although I think Katie is monitoring this site. Be warned.

      Reply this comment
  13. Amy
    Amy 29 March, 2012, 08:56

    I love your description of your every day life. Sounds like mine 🙂 Except I’m a “mean” mom because my kids have to make their own beds and put away their own laundry.

    Reply this comment
  14. Alexandra
    Alexandra 16 August, 2012, 23:26

    Oh, that picture of Katie Holmes.

    I have never seen it, but it must be after she met up with Tom.

    He just sucks the life out of every body (listen to me, like I know him..)

    Reply this comment
    • Shannon
      Shannon Author 17 August, 2012, 11:44

      Yes, he truly is a vampire. And I used to have such a crush on him in high school.

      Reply this comment
  15. Caryl
    Caryl 23 September, 2012, 08:15

    Just saw this and am LMAO.

    Locally, I saw our mayor Kevin Johnson (NBA star) at Starbucks before it became Old Soul (mo’ bettah). His mom has a great bookstore next door…

    That is all…

    Cheers,
    Caryl

    Reply this comment

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