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Every Monday: My Five Deadly Sins!
November 28th, 2011
I’ve been thinking about having a Project for my blog. I got the idea from Elizabeth Jayne Liu who writes at Flourish In Progress. She decided to quit shopping for a year and chronicled her travails in her blog lighting a fire under the ass of yours truly.
Believe it or not I have a few tiny imperfections. Okay, slight weak spots. Loop holes. Mishegas. Who am I trying to kid, entrenched sins! Here they are in no particular order:
1. OVEREATING:
I’m not fat, per se. I weigh twenty pounds more than I did on my wedding day, but I needed ten of those pounds. So I have ten extra pounds (I should mention these are Los Angeles pounds — they wouldn’t be regarded as extra pounds nearly anywhere else). My goal is modest. I only want to drop 5 of them. But my larger goal is to change my relationship with food. Right now I use food to alleviate boredom, for comfort and as a reward. And I don’t feel good about it. If I eat one cookie I’m gonna eat the whole sleeve. I’m not in control of food, it’s definitely in control of me. And every time I try to take control this little angry voice emerges and says things like, “It’s the holidays, you can start a healthy relationship with food tomorrow.” Then tomorrow, “It’s Thanksgiving weekend you can start a healthy relationship with food on Monday.” And so on. I will often eat a cookie while squeezing my muffin top. A very strange habit. If I were to guess what my monkey brain was thinking it might be, “See, your muffin top stays the same size as you eat this cookie, so why not another?”
2. FRIVOLOUS SHOPPING:
Henry and I are both writers. Not the most stable profession. There have been fat times, we are currently in lean times. BUT THIS DOES NOT MATTER. My over-spending is a problem I want to solve even if money was flowing in like hot magma. Here’s what my monkey brain says when the Anthropologie catalogue comes in: You’re just going to look. You’re not going to buy. You know you have to try Anthropologie clothes on before you purchase because they fit so inconsistently…oh, look at that 250$ dress that you can’t afford…well, if you just don’t buy any lattes for six years you could have it. That’s it, you’ll give up those lattes…or maybe you’ll just get a small latte…or …maybe you’re going to buy that dress compulsively and wait for the UPS guy at the curb like a junkie waiting for his dealer then ferry the dress into your closet and stuff it in back so Henry can’t find it then slip some quaaludes into his green tea when you wear it the first time so he’ll think it’s a hallucination.
3. SNEAKY GOSSIPING:
I pride myself on being a really good friend. And I am a really good friend. But there’s this truly shitty little gnome inside that wants me to be everybody’s favorite. On a scale of 1-10 my malicious gossiping is probably a 2. Compared to any of the Real Housewives I’m a friggin’ saint. But there’s that little dig, from time to time, at a friend’s expense. Or a little button I might push in one relative against another just to seem more lovable to them. IT MUST END. I don’t want it to end. It provides my ego with a boost. But IT MUST END. (BTW, I just ate three peanut butter chocolate cookies in reaction against Monday Sins … excuse me, I need to get some full fat milk to wash them down….okay I’m back, uuurrp.)
4. JEALOUSY:
I want what everyone else has. Especially other mom bloggers. I envy Elizabeth Jayne Liu because she started her blog the same month I started mine and she has a kajillion readers and THEY COMMENT (what’s up with you motherbleepers? Where are the comments? Mom, wtf?). I think I’ve documented somewhat thoroughly my loathing of La Gwyneth. I’m even jealous of Henry. He’s had some amazing movies MADE! Don’t get me wrong, I want him to get a lot more made – how else to supply my eating and shopping habits? But I have professional jealousy. It’s ugly. It’s embarrassing and it’s holding me back.
5. HUBRIS:
I wrote a play several eons ago that was produced and reviewed. One of the reviewers said my characters were full of “hubris” so I had to go look it up. ”Hubris: excessive pride or arrogance.” Well. Thank God it was my characters and not me. Even though my characters were loosely based on me. Okay THEY WERE ME! Shit. So after I’m done feeling jealous of other people’s success and thinking I’m a total loser the pendulum swings full force to the other side and I think how great I am. How much better I am because I haven’t stooped to lowly temporal success. Oh no, I’m the great Undiscovered Writer. I’m like Van Gogh, although I’m not a painter and have never cut off my ear and sent it to a lover, but like him I will become posthumously revered and I’ll sit on my little cloud in Heaven where Jack Kerouac (they do let alcoholics into Heaven, it’s a disease) and Tina Fey will gnash their teeth at my literary legacy. They’ll stop making movies out of Jane Austen’s books and will make them out of mine. Kiss my ass, Jane!
I’m sure I have more sins, i.e. smelling my nose when no one is looking, but these are the whoppers.
MY FEAR:
That if I stop overeating, spending frivolously, sneakily gossiping, coveting and bragging, life will no longer be fun.
MY GOAL:
To find healthy replacements for my sins that will give me equal pleasure. And to use this blog and my community (that’s you, people) to keep me honest. Each Monday I’ll report my successes and failures. I’d love to hear about yours (yes, we’re back to the comments. It’s a thing with me). I’m beginning now instead of waiting for January 1. I’ll take stock on Jan 1, 2013 with this map of where I started and where I’ve arrived.
FIRST COMES AWARENESS, THEN WILLINGNESS, THEN ACTION, THEN CHANGE. Wish me luck!
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If you want to check out some previous posts that are evidence of my sins, here’s one on JEALOUSY, one on OVEREATING, and one on FRIVOLOUS SHOPPING.
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I am with you on #1. And I think you have a #6 without realizing it. Fear. It is the motivator in all of the above 5. So I am listing #6, also.
Meet ya back in one year. 
P.S. Many of us are silent lurkers, we read, but don’t comment.
Hi Emmy — so glad you are commenting today. Yes, fear is definitely on my radar. I am spending the next week reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin as a guide. Thanks fo reading!
Good for you!! I’ll be watching you enviously.
Maggie — I appreciate being envied in any form. Yes, another little vice of mine. I recall a little envy of your fabulous decolletage. Thank you for reading mamacita!
I share some of your sins and applaud your decision to blog about them. I will do my part and attempt to comment but I do not guarantee any consistency or relevance to my commenting. Fair?
Also, what’s the deal with Jack Kerouac’s writing? I thought On The Road (the only book of his I read) way too full of itself and pointless. What am I missing?!? I must know!
Oh Elizabeth thank you for commenting today. I am currently wrestling with wanting to reward myself for writing with hot cocoa and marshmallows. Sigh. As for On The Road, I really think I should have read it when I was a timid, mathlete, virgin-boy his freshman year of college, I think it might’ve resonated more at that time.
Now you tell me! I so wasted some choice Alannis-Is-So-Goddammed-Right phase reading On The Road.
I’ve got no answers for you with the cocoa and marshmallows. That’s my go-to when I’m wrestling with the not-eating-the-entire-gallon-of-ice-cream chihuahua. Although most ice cream doesn’t come in gallon sizes anymore so maybe I’m wasting the cocoa?
I’m definitely with ya on #2. What is it with us that we have to “shop and hide it”? ugh…
Could it be that I’m jealous of your writing so I usually refrain from commenting for fear of feeling illiterate? Hmmm…food for thought.
Oh Candy thank you for commenting. I’m always sure people don’t comment because they’re offended by my vagina fixation. Apparently both of us worry too much. xo
Your vagina fixation is one of the things I love most about you.
Elizabeth I am going to quote you to Henry. He’s a bit of a Puritan. Well, except for the role playing date where he cast me as a porn star. What can you do with a recovering Catholic?
You’re going to rock your Project so hard. And come Jan 1, 2013, you’ll have a shitload of extra cash to toss around. I mean, not that you’d want to or anything since you’ll be learning how fulfilling life can be without stuff. Something like that.
Hey girl — January 1, 2013 you and me are hitting all the fire sales!
I think you’re sins all sound pretty awesome. As long as you’re not talking smack about me, but we haven’t officially met yet so that’s probably not the case. And you just turned your professional jealousy into a post so you’re writing and just writing is good. I too have professional jealousy. Like I’m even jealous of your post today. I made a list on my blog too, but it wasn’t nearly as funny. And my list ended with a poem so how much fun is that? Keep it up. And let’s meet for coffee one of these days. For real. I’ll bring cookies…
Hi Deborah — thank you for being jealous of my post. I am jealous that you write for HuffPo and I am jealous of your sexy About Me pic and I want that tea cup. Also, are you going to MomsLa cocktail party? If so I’ll search you out. Otherwise we should have coffee next week. Oh yeah, that’s right, I’m a stalker now!
I like reading about your failures. It makes me feel better about myself. Oh shit, I guess that’s a failure on my part.
But are you a bigger failure than me. Because if you’re not I’m going to feel like shit. Could you fail bigger?
Oh I can fail till the cows come home. it’s what I do. But then I watch people’s court and feel really good about myself.
Okay, People’s court got me laughing. I love People’s Court because then I think I could be a Ukranian runway model. That and a trip to Disneyland help. But what’s happening with this neck flesh? What the hell is that all about? I could pack a shoe in there.
Neck flesh sucks. Thank God scarves and cowls are in. And photoshop. The key to that is never be seen in person, at least not without a cowl on.
In my hubris-ridden jealous, up 5 lbs, broke, gossipy state, I too am afraid that if I become perfect, I will be boring and no longer have any friends. Can you add procrastinator to the list?
I will not add procrastinator to my list as I already have butt shingles on my list. Which I think is worse (see, I’m competitive too!)
I got professional (LOL) jealousy just reading this so now I like you and hate you too …Jekyll /Hide like.
I do need to lose the whole 20 lbs…BOO!!!!! But I think you are cool and wonderful and going rock this project….I’ll hold your cookies!!!!!
Kir — I appreciate all jealousy sent in my direction. The waistband of my jeans is vivisecting my middle so I may die of an aneurysm soon, if not I would appreciate you eating my cookies. Especially those f-ing peanut butter and chocolate ones that taste so good when dipped in milk…chocolate milk.
You’ll be jealous until you have to start deleting HATE comments – I haven’t gotten any but apparently they happen when you’re really popular! Something to look forward to. But more importantly, I admire your goal and can honestly say that time limits work. I gave up eating meat in about 100 days, one animal per month….and I’m still a vegetarian! Okay it’s only been a year, but still.
Hi Paula — I could really use some hate mail. I thrive on ANY ATTENTION (I think there might be another sin in that but will have to wait until 2013 to address it – along with my gin and tonic habit). I am very impressed you gave up an animal a month. But can you have cheese and milk? Because there has to be some meaning to life!
Sometimes I read your blog and wonder if you are me, only warped into a different California dimension. I personally grab my saddlebags and eat mini-Snickers bars, because they have nuts and nuts are healthy, dammit. Also, the self massage might just break down cellulite so that in the end, my butt will be smoother AND I’ll be healthier and we all win because of mini Snickers. Kudos to you for setting goals. Although sometimes life’s too short not to have vices and embrace the last legal highs.
“Healthy replacements for my sins…” This sounds SO much better than Eat This Not That or the ol’ Hungry-Girl.com switching of recipes. I’m going to teach your quote to that little angel that sits on my right shoulder. That little bugger needs to scream THAT at me and I might just listen!
Hi T.Katz — I’m very good at dishing out advice but HATE taking it. I was attacked by an english muffin smothered in butter today, but I left one small corner uneaten. Victory is MIIIIINE.
Hi Julie — We are the same person except your smarter and I’m not kissing your ass. I cannot write limericks. I will not even try. Also, I just saw this incredible site where real women show their bellies and tell their stories about them. Incredible and so refreshing. It at http://www.xojane.com
I was reading and nodding right along with you… and now of course you’re in my head about some damn project I should do. hmpf.
But Jaime you don’t have to do it. It’s been forever that I haven’t been doing it. I’ve been trying for two years to do it and have failed miserably. I am only doing it now because none of my pants fit. And I’m not willing to go up a size. I decided when menopause hits in the next 5 years (God help me) I might allow myself to go up a size, but not yet. I’ve got to hold out of the floodgates will open and I’ll need a whole new wardrobe and I’m not supposed to be shopping. You see my problem.
Good for you. I’m willing to give up my 15th favorite vegetable broccoli for a year. I seriously am attempting to become a cheapskate except I draw the line at store brand toilet paper. Good luck!!
Melinda — how can you give up broccoli?? The horror!
Yes. I will be at the MomsLA party. We’ll actually meet. Very cool. And then we can talk about next week.
That tea cup broke a long time ago and took a little piece of my heart with it…
Dear Ms. Formerly Beautiful Female: I applaud you! Changing oneself is hard, really hard. I bought The Happiness Project book two years ago (? anyway, when it first came out) b/c I’d been reading her blog and liked it. I wanted to focus on one thing per month, as she did, but never managed to conquer the first month (energy) b/c I cannot consistently get to bed at a decent hour or exercise regularly — even though I recognize how much better I feel when I do these things. I do them in spurts. Pretty pathetic.
But I’ve been thinking about trying again, and even of starting in December instead of January, too, since there’s a certain amount of mental and logistical ramping up needed to create new habits. So maybe I’ll jump in again with Chapter 1 and join you in making some changes.
The habits I most want to target are energy (basic, basic, basic for making other improvements), clutter (mostly learning to tame the paper jungle), and cutting way down on the sweets. (I have the eat one, eat the whole bag syndrome, too.)
BTW, this is not to say Rubin’s book or blog isn’t useful. I constantly find myself recalling and sometimes even putting to use some of her tactics, such as “Identify the Problem” and “Be Sonora.”
Finally, thanks for posting the link to the belly gallery. Very moving.
Hi Ms. Sonora — I am so excited to be doing this with other people instead of alone in my little mole hole. Thanksgiving was a debacle. I just could not stop eating. I ate standing up, sitting down, walking, talking. It’s funny, but not. (Of course I am eating as I type this). I did have some failures I’ll report on Monday, but also had one major breakthrough I’m excited to report. Onward and upward. And we don’t have to do it all perfectly all the time.
I too am a lurking fan. Since you covet comments (who wouldn’t, let’s get real!), let me just say that I LURVE your blog and laugh my arse off every time I read it. Love that you say what few dare to, often at your own expense, yet write so poignantly with soul that I just want to give you a big fat hug like you were a long lost girlfriend, even though I don’t know you. So there. Glad you’re here and thanks for your writing. You make me happy.
Oh Cee Cee — I’m a bit bleary with a cold today and you made me feel wonderful. Hack cough. Thank you!
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