November 28th, 2011
I’ve been thinking about having a Project for my blog. I got the idea from Elizabeth Jayne Liu who writes at Flourish In Progress. She decided to quit shopping for a year and chronicled her travails in her blog lighting a fire under the ass of yours truly.
Believe it or not I have a few tiny imperfections. Okay, slight weak spots. Loop holes. Mishegas. Who am I trying to kid, entrenched sins! Here they are in no particular order:
I’m not fat, per se. I weigh twenty pounds more than I did on my wedding day, but I needed ten of those pounds. So I have ten extra pounds (I should mention these are Los Angeles pounds — they wouldn’t be regarded as extra pounds nearly anywhere else). My goal is modest. I only want to drop 5 of them. But my larger goal is to change my relationship with food. Right now I use food to alleviate boredom, for comfort and as a reward. And I don’t feel good about it. If I eat one cookie I’m gonna eat the whole sleeve. I’m not in control of food, it’s definitely in control of me. And every time I try to take control this little angry voice emerges and says things like, “It’s the holidays, you can start a healthy relationship with food tomorrow.” Then tomorrow, “It’s Thanksgiving weekend you can start a healthy relationship with food on Monday.” And so on. I will often eat a cookie while squeezing my muffin top. A very strange habit. If I were to guess what my monkey brain was thinking it might be, “See, your muffin top stays the same size as you eat this cookie, so why not another?”
2. FRIVOLOUS SHOPPING:
Henry and I are both writers. Not the most stable profession. There have been fat times, we are currently in lean times. BUT THIS DOES NOT MATTER. My over-spending is a problem I want to solve even if money was flowing in like hot magma. Here’s what my monkey brain says when the Anthropologie catalogue comes in: You’re just going to look. You’re not going to buy. You know you have to try Anthropologie clothes on before you purchase because they fit so inconsistently…oh, look at that 250$ dress that you can’t afford…well, if you just don’t buy any lattes for six years you could have it. That’s it, you’ll give up those lattes…or maybe you’ll just get a small latte…or …maybe you’re going to buy that dress compulsively and wait for the UPS guy at the curb like a junkie waiting for his dealer then ferry the dress into your closet and stuff it in back so Henry can’t find it then slip some quaaludes into his green tea when you wear it the first time so he’ll think it’s a hallucination.
3. SNEAKY GOSSIPING:
I pride myself on being a really good friend. And I am a really good friend. But there’s this truly shitty little gnome inside that wants me to be everybody’s favorite. On a scale of 1-10 my malicious gossiping is probably a 2. Compared to any of the Real Housewives I’m a friggin’ saint. But there’s that little dig, from time to time, at a friend’s expense. Or a little button I might push in one relative against another just to seem more lovable to them. IT MUST END. I don’t want it to end. It provides my ego with a boost. But IT MUST END. (BTW, I just ate three peanut butter chocolate cookies in reaction against Monday Sins … excuse me, I need to get some full fat milk to wash them down….okay I’m back, uuurrp.)
I want what everyone else has. Especially other mom bloggers. I envy Elizabeth Jayne Liu because she started her blog the same month I started mine and she has a kajillion readers and THEY COMMENT (what’s up with you motherbleepers? Where are the comments? Mom, wtf?). I think I’ve documented somewhat thoroughly my loathing of La Gwyneth. I’m even jealous of Henry. He’s had some amazing movies MADE! Don’t get me wrong, I want him to get a lot more made – how else to supply my eating and shopping habits? But I have professional jealousy. It’s ugly. It’s embarrassing and it’s holding me back.
I wrote a play several eons ago that was produced and reviewed. One of the reviewers said my characters were full of “hubris” so I had to go look it up. ”Hubris: excessive pride or arrogance.” Well. Thank God it was my characters and not me. Even though my characters were loosely based on me. Okay THEY WERE ME! Shit. So after I’m done feeling jealous of other people’s success and thinking I’m a total loser the pendulum swings full force to the other side and I think how great I am. How much better I am because I haven’t stooped to lowly temporal success. Oh no, I’m the great Undiscovered Writer. I’m like Van Gogh, although I’m not a painter and have never cut off my ear and sent it to a lover, but like him I will become posthumously revered and I’ll sit on my little cloud in Heaven where Jack Kerouac (they do let alcoholics into Heaven, it’s a disease) and Tina Fey will gnash their teeth at my literary legacy. They’ll stop making movies out of Jane Austen’s books and will make them out of mine. Kiss my ass, Jane!
I’m sure I have more sins, i.e. smelling my nose when no one is looking, but these are the whoppers.
That if I stop overeating, spending frivolously, sneakily gossiping, coveting and bragging, life will no longer be fun.
To find healthy replacements for my sins that will give me equal pleasure. And to use this blog and my community (that’s you, people) to keep me honest. Each Monday I’ll report my successes and failures. I’d love to hear about yours (yes, we’re back to the comments. It’s a thing with me). I’m beginning now instead of waiting for January 1. I’ll take stock on Jan 1, 2013 with this map of where I started and where I’ve arrived.
FIRST COMES AWARENESS, THEN WILLINGNESS, THEN ACTION, THEN CHANGE. Wish me luck!
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