The Naked Man On The Beach

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This is what my friend Tango 5/6 (who always manages to get me into dangerous covert ops) and our kids saw on the beach last Thursday, strutting along happy-as-a-pig-in-guano on Santa Monica Beach:

  Jesus Wept.

It was Rosh Hashanah.  I’m a shiksa, but even so, doesn’t this wobbly, petite-of-shlong gentleman know we don’t wanna see that Sh@t on a Holy Day??  Also, Santa Monica isn’t a nude beach.  It’s not even a topless beach.  Being naked is illegal, Busta Rhymes!  And this guy’s not exactly the kind of naked man I’d be lookin’ for if I was looking for a felonious naked man on the beach.  Clare (9) dashed up from the surf, mouth gaping, to ask, “Is he serious, mommy?  His penis is so tiny!”

Apparently this was of no concern to the portly object of our stares.  He strode like the cock of the walk.  Wyatt Earp at the OK Corral packing a Colt .45 with a 12-inch barrel (actually 3 inches..and that’s after pruning the penis plumage).

Moms and kids alike recoiled from this denuded aberration.  If they met his eyes would he chase after them, tongue lolling, appendage raring to molest and desecrate unwilling victim-flesh?  What could be in his madman maniac mind?  And where the hell were all the lifeguards, hassling the Hoff?

Then a thought came to me.  I need a photo of this bastard for my blog.  I must’ve confessed my ambition as Clare cried, “No Mommy, no!  Not even for the sake of the blogggg!”

But like Geraldo Rivera and Jerry Springer before me I was determined to exploit this nascent nudist’s necromancy (ok.  I know that makes no sense.  But the alliteration is so nice).  So I grabbed my iphone and ran TOWARD the cherubic-bunned degenerate to capture my photo at great risk to my ocular tendons.

Afterward I inexplicably burst into a cover of Jackson Browne’s Doctor My Eyes.  When the last note faded from my lips a seventy-year-old German woman wearing a wet-suit and carrying a boogie board asked me philosophically, “Do you think the seagulls will mistake it for a cocktail schnitzel?”

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13 comments

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  1. SherilinR
    SherilinR 3 October, 2011, 10:28

    oh my gosh! so nasty! i would have been the woman running toward his back to capture that crap for posterier posterity as well. what could someone be thinking that makes that a good idea in their head? maybe there's a mental disorder that can be blamed.

    Reply this comment
  2. The Flying Chalupa
    The Flying Chalupa 3 October, 2011, 11:01

    Wow. That's all I really have to say. Cherubic-bunned. haha. I'm impressed at the lengths (or non-lengths, I should say) you go to for your blog.

    ps – no baby yet. :) Six more wks of functioning brain.

    Reply this comment
  3. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd 3 October, 2011, 12:34

    The only thing that makes any of that ok is that you were able to blog it.

    Reply this comment
  4. Missy@Wonder, Friend
    Missy@Wonder, Friend 3 October, 2011, 13:28

    Do you think someone dared him? People can be so bizarre. But I (not-so-)secretly love it when creepy stuff like this happens – it makes for a great story.

    Reply this comment
  5. Shannon Bradley-Colleary
    Shannon Bradley-Colleary 3 October, 2011, 15:06

    Sherilin — I was worried he might go postal, but there was nowhere to hide the gun. … or maybe there was… ack.

    Chalupa — where is that freakin' baby? I want to see those little chubby legs. Will checking in on your blog to see.

    Cannibalistic — I should have perhaps severed something for you to dine upon…

    Missy — the creeps certainly do keep things interesting. We were just north of Venice Beach so maybe he got lost.

    Reply this comment
  6. julie fedderson
    julie fedderson 3 October, 2011, 18:10

    Thanks for the disturbing visual. And now I'm craving cocktail wieners.

    Reply this comment
  7. SadieSez
    SadieSez 3 October, 2011, 19:07

    Weiners, and cheese and crackers. Yikes, I thought Florida beaches were insane! You have the most fun!

    Reply this comment
  8. The Empress
    The Empress 3 October, 2011, 19:15

    Oh, you know. you know.

    Your own URL??

    Get. Out.

    Here's to not anything happening.

    But, I'll pray…

    Reply this comment
  9. Julie
    Julie 3 October, 2011, 21:19

    I grew up not far from there and never even saw a speedo! Good luck on moving your blog. I moved from Blogger to WordPress and have never looked back!

    Reply this comment
  10. Shannon Bradley-Colleary
    Shannon Bradley-Colleary 3 October, 2011, 23:08

    Oh Julie I am so happy to know Blogger surrendered you to WordPress. Whew. But do please pray Empress.

    Reply this comment
  11. Angie Rupert
    Angie Rupert 4 October, 2011, 22:35

    Oh heavens. This is quite an interesting look. Maybe it was a dare? Maybe he was so busy earlier in the day that he forgot to put on his swimsuit? Maybe someone told him he was wearing the latest designer clothes a la "the emperor"? God, I hope at least one of those was the issue.

    Reply this comment
  12. Men clothing fashion
    Men clothing fashion 10 October, 2011, 06:23

    Thanks for sharing this. I really liked the seo form

    Reply this comment

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