October 14th, 2011
I’ve become a social pariah thanks to the Stella-and-Dot trunk show I’ve invited all my friends to. They’ve decoded the invitation. It says, “Your Invited to Shop in Style Trunk Show,” what it really means is, “Come buy jewelry at my house so I can get free jewelry!”
It is a bit Veruca Salt of me (‘I want an Oompa Loompa now, Daddy!”)
When I see people I’ve invited who haven’t responded we both pretend I didn’t send them an invitation, that I’m not trying to siphon a Jacqueline necklace off of them.
It’s sort of like when you use an electric razor to trim your eyebrows and your husband leaves it on the wrong setting and you accidentally shave an eyebrow off. Then you have to shave the other one off to achieve facial symmetry.
Hence when you see your friends you have no eyebrows, but no one mentions the missing eyebrows which is strange because everyone, including you, is hyper aware you are Eyebrow Deficient. The eyebrows are the proverbial elephant in the room that’s making everyone uncomfortable, but no one acknowledges the fact you look like a white Whoopi Goldberg, everyone just hopes those eyebrows grow back in quickly.
And your vagina might’ve also have fallen off.
(You knew I had to go there – I have Vagina Tourette’s. Which is not to say my vagina has expletive-laden outbursts, just that I can’t stop talking about vaginas. Early onset menopause?)
In conclusion I am looking forward to this Stella-and-Dot trunk show being over so my friends will know I love them not because of the free jewelry I might be getting, although owning the Snake Orb Pendant would be nice, but just because I like them.
(Does reminding you ladies of quid pro quo – as in, I came to your trunk show now you’ve got to come to mine! – negate that last paragraph?
Here is my paltry jewelry collection:
As you can see a stay-at-home mom/writer-who-festers-in-front-of-her-computer-all-day/soccer-referee-who-can’t -even-wear-a-rubberband-around-her-wrist-during-a-game needs more jewelry than this. This is a veritable jewelry desert, a godforsaken bauble wasteland, an arid land barren of adornments! I’m frippery infertile.
“I want the the goose who lays the golden egg now, Daddy! Nooowwwwww!“
For more on how to combat Shopaholism and the inherent, soul-sucking debacle that is consumerism click here muthafrackers.
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