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Requiem For a Heavyweight
September 21st, 2011
(There are some observations from a previous post in this post. I couldn’t find better words)September 16th at 9 a.m. my stepfather Guido (yes, Guido, will all the ardor for life that implies) passed away due to the repercussions of a stroke he had six-and-a half years ago.
He was my mom’s fourth husband and she was his fourth wife. I never thought they’d last. They lasted 35 years.
Here were my stories about Guido: He was an arrogant so-and-so. He had a massive ego. He was childish. He threw tantrums. He stole my mom from me.
For all these years after the stroke my mother cared for Guido at home which was an impossible, heartbreaking task. He was paralyzed on his right side and unable to speak. She had to do all the things for Guido that I was doing for my infant daughters only he would never become independent again.
I resented how he lingered on. I wanted my mom to have more time with her grandchildren than she’d had with me when I was young. It seemed, by indelicately having this stroke, Guido was managing to steal my mom away from me once more.
When it became clear Guido was really dying my mom asked me to come. I stayed over the last two weeks with her as Guido hovered between two worlds. This was for her, I thought, not for him.
A week before Guido’s death on a Friday night he suddenly began shaking and was struggling to breathe. He had a Do Not Resuscitate order so there would be no more harrowing trips to the emergency room.
My mom just broke down with exhaustion. So I sat on the bed with Guido and took his good hand in mine. He stilled, his breathing softened and his intelligent green eyes locked on mine. He was seeing me deeply and was fully present.
I was instantly taken back to a night when I was 13-years old and visiting Guido and my mom for the summer. I’d gotten this hypochondriacal notion that I had cancer. Maybe I saw it on an after-school special or had a particularly large pimple somewhere, who knows, but I was worried. Worried enough to give myself cancer.
I went in search of my mom and found Guido reading in bed. I tried to leave, but he must’ve seen my stricken expression so he stopped me and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was pretty sure I had cancer. He took a moment then beckoned me to sit next to him on the bed. I did. His intelligent green eyes locked on mine. He was seeing me deeply and was fully present.
“You don’t have cancer,” he said. “How do you know?” I asked. “Your color is excellent, your eyes are clear. You don’t have it.” It was a benediction. He’d saved me.
Here are the stories I don’t tell about my stepdad: He fought in the Pacific during World War II. He flew his own private plane. He played a mean trumpet all over San Francisco in the early 80s. He treated laborers like they were his brothers. He could build a house from the ground up. He ran two of the biggest shipping companies on the globe. He helped put me through college. He was larger than life, Anthony Quinn in The Greek Tycoon. He gave my mother a global, sometimes glamorous, frequently imperfect, beautiful life.That night as I comforted my stepdad by holding his hand I was seeing him deeply and was fully present. All of my old stories fell away and the only thing left was love.
My dearest Guido, I was not a perfect stepdaughter. I was impatient and rebellious, but I loved you. You encouraged me to rely on my intellect, to be curious about everything. You made me an Honorary Italian and you unabashedly and publicly expressed your love and affection for my mother and for me time and again, despite my deep embarrassment. I’m so grateful I could say good-bye to you properly. Thank you for so many of the wonderful things I have in my life and thank you for loving my mom.
Kathy and Guido Bart at their wedding in Taiwan in 1978.
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Beautiful tribute Shannon! And your mom is a beauty!
Shannon, I'm so sorry. What a beautiful post.
What a touching post – somewhere Guido is smiling.
I am sorry for your loss Shannon. very nicely written piece. May he rest in peace.
Thank you for the kind thoughts my friends.
I'm so sorry about your loss, both with Guido's passing and with the past few years of his deterioration. Sometimes that period of living but not truly living is worse than death. You memorialized your stepfather, both the good and the bad, beautifully. I can feel the emotion it took to make him human and to really love the man. Maybe even to forgive a little, too. Take care of yourself.
Julie thank you so much for your kind words. Being with my mom and Guido has been the best of times and the worst of times. It was certainly humbling which I can certainly use from time to time. Kisses to you.
That was really beautiful, honest and healing. I'm glad you had that moment to find the peace you both needed. May your family find comfort. Thank you for sharing.
that was so touching .. you do have a way with words. that reflecting back on your relationship with him was so deep…wow! I am so sorry for your loss.
truly a beautiful epiphany. sometimes a death can make things much more clear than life.
Oh, so sorry.
I'm glad you had time to make things right, you know?
To see him in a different light.
Impressive I Like it alot Good work and Congrats….!!!
Again thank you all for the kind words. I'll send them on to my mom. xo
A truly caring tribute. Buen hecho chica.
I'm so sorry, Shannon. That's a beautiful photo of the two of them and such heartfelt, lovely words. Hugs to you.
What a compelling post. Beautiful.
Sorry for your loss Shannon. Beautifully written. Loved the wedding pic.
Hi Melissa — I love the wedding picture too. I found it tucked away in one of my mom's old photo albums so I asked her if I could frame it and put it in my house. And she said yes. They were a unique couple.
what a touching post.. its really amazing.. like.
Pakistani Lawn Collection
[...] had our losses, Henry’s father, Bob, my stepdad, Guido and my grandma, Sue. Henry’s younger sister has had strokes and two brain surgeries. [...]
[...] And Kathy survived one particularly nasty marriage to later nurse the love of her life – her last husband – for six years after he’d had a massive stroke. I could never do what she [...]
Although I had filed an obit in my book of losses, I just stumbled on this masterpiece. I worked for many years both for and with Guido and saw most of him in the above composition. We enjoyed mutual trust, respect
and the good/difficult times that prevail in the steamship/stevedore industry. A good guy!!!
William — how lovely to hear from a friend of Guido’s. He certainly was a Renaissance Man, inimitable in every way. Thanks for reaching out and I will forward to my mom! xo
[...] a concrete slab with my stepdad Guido on Old Tunnel Road before the fire burned down his house in 1983. Sat in my nightgown on the [...]
[...] January 4th, 2011 Here’s my sob story accompanied by violin in A minor: My parents divorced when I was two. Both remarried. My dad once and forever. My mom (She Who Shall Be Named Culpable)three more times. There was The Cop, The Fireman and The Shipping Magnate. [...]