“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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Is Angelina Jolie an Ice Queen Mom?

Cashier: Ma’am, are you buying that?

Shannon: Me? What? This Star magazine? Oh, no no, I don’t read gossip magazines. I’m a college graduate; English Literature with a minor in Nuclear Disarmament.

Shannon’s Internal Monologue: (“Angelina Jolie has a Nanny who tells all” … Can you believe what some people will do for money? … they just sell their souls … look at this … she says Angie’s mom Marcheline went into a “deep, debilitating depression” after John cheated on her and left the family … poor Angelina, no wonder she turned to cutting, heroin and Billie Bob Thornton, a known manorexic, antique-furniture-ophobe … I wonder if she pencils her eyebrows in black and beats Maddox, Pax, Knox, Shiloh, Z and Madeleine with hangers?)

Cashier:  So, you’re not getting the magazine?

Shannon: Certainly not. I read Simone DeBeauvoir for Christsakes. I wipe my ass with first edition pages of Sartre! I gargle Siddhartha and coat my hemorrhoids liberally with Brecht!

SIM: (Look at that poor woman Daniel Craig dumped … Satsuki, who appears to be of Eurasian parentage … look at the hollows under her almond eyes…and he ditched her for Rachel Weisz who I never would’ve pegged as a Man-Nabber … but look at the legs on her … she must travel by exer-cycle … and have a weight bar over her toilet for when she squats …)

Cashier: Ma’am everything’s rung up, are you getting the magazine or what?

Guy In Line Behind Shannon: Get it or don’t get it, just make up your mind, Virginia Woolf!

Shannon: I’d no sooner purchase this tripe than Sylvia Plath would pull her head out of the oven and return to the life of a cuckholdress!

SIM:(Look at that! Eva Longoria has a little baby muffin top … there it is, circled in red just above her True Religion jeans and Hanky Panky low-rise thong … ack, that is a terrible bathing suit … Anne Hathaway’s boobs are totally pointing in opposite directions …)

Check-Out Line Rabble: (ad lib) Someone slap her, she’s gone into a
Shcadenfreude coma! I say we just prise that rag out of her addict’s grip, knock her down and pelt her with copies of Harlequin Romances from the pyramid display. Is that … is she drooling?

SIM:(those poor women, can’t the paparazzi just leave them in peace? … everyone knows overhead sunlight is unforgiving … who reads this crap?  It just panders to the Lowest Common Denominator … pure, unadulterated twaddle …)

Cashier: Lady, you in or you out?

Shannon: Absolutely out! I’ve got Rilke tattooed on my left breast, Scott Fitzgerald on my right! Only my husband knows where I tattooed Henry Miller!

ISM: (Stop the presses … is that Gwyneth?… my nemesis?  … what’s that on her starkly white, freakishly toned thighs? … could it that be … cellulite? … Sweet Jesus it is! Just look at the cheddah on Gwyneth!)

Shannon to Cashier:I’ll pay whatever you’re asking!

Cashier:Your dignity, character and every fiber of your being.

Shannon: Throw in the Us Weekly (Who’s Jake Gyllenhal making it with now?  It better not be Gwyneth), a National Enquirer (Is Kirstie getting fat again?), a People Latina (Has J. Lo married number four yet?) and you’ve got a deal!


Tags assigned to this article:
celebrity gossiptrashy magazine addiction

12 comments

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  1. julie fedderson
    julie fedderson 10 August, 2011, 14:22

    I laughed so hard when I read this–I can't avoid the slickly packaged flesh in the grocery store checkout lane, either. In fact, when my nephews sold magazines for Boy Scouts, I bought A WHOLE YEAR of Star magazine. And it rocked.

    Reply this comment
  2. Shannon Bradley-Colleary
    Shannon Bradley-Colleary 10 August, 2011, 14:40

    Thank God I'm not alone Julie. I think I need to start a 12 step group for this back-alley on a mysteriously wet mattress type addiction.

    Reply this comment
  3. The Empress
    The Empress 10 August, 2011, 22:55

    Man, besides pure deliciousness to read, the picture at the end? Perfect.

    And me and my rags…oh my husband has tried moratoriums, and he's told me to buy them from the library, where they sell them for a dime.

    BUT THEN IT"S OLD SMUT!!

    I Will see you again, and WE WILL plan a dinner.

    That is firm.

    Reply this comment
  4. Rachel Elizabeth
    Rachel Elizabeth 10 August, 2011, 23:58

    Hahahaha. We all have our vices.

    Reply this comment
  5. The Zadge
    The Zadge 11 August, 2011, 12:18

    Those magazines are the only reasons I get pedicures.

    P.S. I can't find you on The Twat – what's your handle?

    Reply this comment
  6. Shannon Bradley-Colleary
    Shannon Bradley-Colleary 11 August, 2011, 13:43

    Empress — yes we will dine! I feel it in my buns (the sourdough type)

    And Zadge I'm on the Twat under my civilian name: Shannon Colleary

    Thanks for reading Rachel Elizabeth.

    Reply this comment
  7. Julie Gatherum-McGuire
    Julie Gatherum-McGuire 11 August, 2011, 17:06

    Yeah…I saw that cover too. I really wanted it, but didn't buy it for the reasons you hilariously mention. So I came home and went to InTouch's website. Of course they don't say anything because they want you to buy the magazine. So do tell…..Is Angie nuts? Are her kids goofy? Best of all, how's Brad? 🙂

    Julie
    http://www.fromthemudroom.com

    Reply this comment
  8. Shannon Bradley-Colleary
    Shannon Bradley-Colleary 11 August, 2011, 18:32

    Hi Julie — Oddly Brad wasn't mentioned. I suspect he's in love with a married woman who is the mother of two girls and a passionate blogger. That's all I'll say. I've signed a confidentiality contract.

    Reply this comment
  9. Pig in the Kitchen
    Pig in the Kitchen 12 August, 2011, 00:33

    Hi Shannon, trying to find an email address for you, but can't. Would you mind emailing me about a writing opportunity? Thanks! mel@inthepowderroom.com

    Reply this comment
  10. Shannon Bradley-Colleary
    Shannon Bradley-Colleary 17 August, 2011, 00:26

    Is that sfadsfdsafd sonar for Beluga Whales? What is that and how does it pertain to La Jolie?

    Reply this comment

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