June 3rd, 2011
My kids don’t do what I say. Especially in the morning before school (TMBS).
In TMBS they become spaced out love children in the Haight circa 1969.
They get distracted by the way the light bends in from the skylight in our hallway.
They stand under it and stare as if waiting to be beamed up to the Mothership.
They have Shoe Amnesia. They don’t know where their shoes could be or even what shoes really are.
They stand in front of the bathroom sink and spit toothpaste into it over and over and over.
Their eyes are glazed, their lips drool, they run a low-grade Mommy Animosity fever. Then something miraculous occurred:
I made a list on our white board. I listed all the things my kids needed to do before school with a line next to it they had to check off when the task was finished. It looks like this:
They freakin’ LOVE it. I don’t have to say anything. They get the glorious lack of the sound of my voice. And I get results. Who knew?
So then naturally my mind extrapolated this list for when they are old enough to be tempted by sex and drugs. When they’re 35. I have now devised a check list regarding sex and drugs:
_ Refuse to have a boyfriend in high school because otherwise you’ll cry a lot. (See following To Do item)
_ Do not climb out your bedroom window after Junior Prom to spend more time with your date Vanke Schmitzon (a pseudonym) because he will feel you up in Jerrald Prostate’s (also a pseudonym) Jacuzzi, bring you home at 3 a.m. and your dad will be waiting in the Juniper bushes outside your bedroom window possibly packing heat. The last thing you will ever see of Vanke are the whites of his tennis shoes flying through the night as he hauls ass out of there. He won’t pick up his prom photos. He might even transfer schools. (See To Do item above)
_ Reject drugs of any kind or your father and I will Jamie-Spears your life!
_ Do not be charmed by a USC football player who, while he’s kissing you for the first time will say, “I can’t believe shit comes out of an ass like that.”
_ Do not then date him for five more years.
_ Realize that if you have sex with a man you will think you love him even though he’s not nice enough to introduce to the warden of your local maximum security penitentiary.
_ Do not do drugs of any kind or you will burn in everlasting hellfire and other demons will use you to roast their marshmallows. (Yes I’m agnostic, but you get religion fast when it comes to kids and drugs — and sex for that matter)
Forget it! Just put your shirts back on
cuz we’re not falling for it! Right ladies?
_ Run as fast as you can away from firefighters who make passes at you. Avoid watching them driving their fire trucks sirens blaring, sliding down fireman poles in their uniforms, rescuing people or knocking down conflagrations because that’s when they’re most addictive. Remember they have groupies and are more likely to suffocate from too much pusetita than from smoke inhalation.
_ Avoid men with charming foreign accents because they always end up putting a tube sock on their flaccid penis and hopping around your apartment pretending to be a bunny. (Not that that has happened to anyone I know. Or have even heard of.)
_ Do not do drugs of any kind or your mother will move in with you and make more To Do Lists.
(One caveat: You may drink a glass of wine a day after your children are born so you don’t leap out of your skin suit every time one of them bites herself, shows you the teeth marks and says her sister did it. Sorry Gina.)
If you do have reals issues with addiction in your home loved ones should check this out.
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