“The literary equivalent of a summer night, a good friend and a gin-and-tonic: Shannon is a deft writer; a natural storyteller with a wicked turn of phrase and frighteningly specific memory...”

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The Day TWFKAB Blog Went Live

My “First” day as an AYSO ref — sexy!

This is my first post in the present day. The official day that TWFKAB blog goes live!

I feel like Cindy Brady staring into the studio-camera as a contestant on a live quiz show when she got stage fright. Struck mute and brainless. Wearing looped Heidi braids. Blue eyes pools of vacu-osity. Just staring at the red dot over the camera lens.

Just…staring.  

What do I have to say about my life today? … (waiting for inspiration … huh … will go inside and eat chocolate. That might help. Will also track the chocolate’s Points on my Weight Watchers app while I’m eating it).

…Three hours and four Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich’s later…

What do I have to say about being a mom/human person today? Hmmm. Well, I’m no longer pregnant. So that’s good. In fact, I’m exactly … have to tabulate … six times fifty-two plus forty-nine equals … (if Kate leaves the mall on a skateboard going twelve miles an hour and Hank leaves his home on a moped traveling six miles an hour … I freakin’ hate math!) … okay, okay … I’m three hundred sixty weeks and twelve hours post-partum.

Which means Bridget’s six, Clare’s eight and Henry and I are are beginning to desiccate (Dictionary Definition: verb; to dry out, to become dried out).

To catch you up on the last six years of our lives I will share some of my girls’ FIRSTS:

1. Bridget’s first full sentence ( age 2): As daddy signed for a package Bridget felt compelled to inform the bronzed, well-hewn Fed Ex God that “Mommy’s in the bathroom cuz she has ear-i-table bowel.”

2. Clare’s first Mommy Take-Down (age 5): Upon my entering the house and breaking up a pillow fight between the girls and their not-following-my-instructions father so we could “get a move on,” Clare responded, “Mommy, when you come home you cut the fun. You’re not the only one who lives in this house. And I see this is a repeating cycle so you should pay attention!”

3. Bridget’s first sign of humility (age 3): Upon noticing several elderly ladies gazing raptly at her edible cheeks while we stood in line at Pinkberry, Bridget swanned about like Vivian Leigh after too much Jim Beam in A Streetcar Named Desire proclaiming, “Oh Mommy, they’re all smiling at me ’cause I’m soooo adorable!”

4. Clare’s first sex talk (age 6 – yes judge me, go ahead! I was tricked into talking. I’d make a horrible spy): After I babbled incoherently about sperm and ovum and responsibility and single motherhood and possibly ruining one’s life with one bad choice Clare summed it all up for me, “So what you’re saying Mommy, is that girls can like a boy’s cute side, not his nice side because of sex.”

There was a truculent pause after which I said, “You just learned at 6 what I didn’t know until I was 35.”

5. Bridget’s first reference to herself in the third person (age 4): As Bridget told herself a story I fecklessly entered her room to put away laundry. Bridget:”Suddenly the evil fairy Laverna entered the tower to take the beautiful princess Bridget to her underwater cave. But Princess Bridget threw the magic crystal to destroy Laverna…” Something glinted as it flew through the air at my head, then…Thonk!..Laverna knew no more.

And the “Firsts” go on. For instance, this is the first time I’ve been three hundred sixty weeks and twelve hours post-partum. Which means every week will be a first. Some good firsts … like when I realized the fifteen pounds I’ve gained since my wedding made me a C-cup. Some not so good … like when I realized the fifteen pounds I gained since my wedding didn’t just go to my boobs. But every first wipes the chalkboard clean and I get to start again.



5 comments

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  1. Anonymous
    Anonymous 18 March, 2011, 18:05

    hysterical. i love love LOVE your adventures and stories and family!!!

    Reply this comment
  2. Mara
    Mara 18 March, 2011, 18:07

    So funny, you!

    Reply this comment
  3. kelly johnson
    kelly johnson 19 March, 2011, 10:54

    "Mommy, when you come home you cut the fun. You're not the only one who lives in this house. And I see this is a repeating cycle so you should pay attention!"
    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
    (clearly both your girls can follow in your footsteps of funny)

    Reply this comment
  4. Shannon Bradley-Colleary
    Shannon Bradley-Colleary 29 March, 2011, 23:00

    Thanks for reading and commenting ladies. It's good to have voices other than my own critics in my head. Xo

    Reply this comment

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